So sorry pals...

So very sorry to cause such a stir back there. Ha Ha Ha! No, people, D is not going to stop blogging. Not yet, anyway!! Pause to reflect has definitely NOT met its end yet.

Perhaps what I wrote was more true of what I felt approximately two months ago. But I have gone beyond that; I have decided that I will go on blogging as long as I have the time and a topic to write about.

However, the reactions of fellow bloggers and silent readers are all very interesting indeed. Now, how do respond to the phone calls and texted messages? How do I explain myself?

Let me respond to the overall comments that came in my last post.

Firstly, I write because I want to write, and I like to write. I love expressing myself using words - written or typed. I have done this through journals, letters, emails, stories, blogs, etc. Now, one can never deny that when you write, you write for an audience. Writing is a mode of communication, and it is important for the writer to always keep the reader in mind. It keeps you focussed. Therefore, when one writes in a blog, and sets it for the whole world to read, the writer has already decided that the blog would be read by the world, normally with a particular group in mind. So, please get this clear: of course I write for myself - no doubt about it, but I also have my audience to think about. I never write simply to please the audience. I do things Lillahita'ala, so I'm fine in this area, don't you fret.

Secondly, when one writes with an audience in mind, he or she would have to be prepared with the consequences of his/her writing and accept all comments given. I do that. Few have been unpleasant, few disrespectful, but I'm done with deleting comments (think I only deleted 3 because they put my name up before I put my picture on the blog for the first time). It's a free world. What's much bettter is, the amount of nice words left in the comment space - more warmth than the freezing cold! So, there goes - I don't care about what people say.

Having said this, however, I cannot deny that writing this blog has changed my world in so many ways. Some may think it's as easy as switching the lights off. Turning a blind eye, waving a goodbye. But no, somehow, my blog started with 0 audience, to about 30 average. Then, it has now gone to hundreds, a bit intriguing that most are silent readers. Flattered I am, but isn't that also spooky? No, some of you don't know this, and cannot imagine this. So, spend some time to reflect on this: you are no longer anonymous and more people who know you are reading your rantings, or reflections. Don't you get a little conscious that you might hurt a certain someone, or provoke certain reactions? I mean, you don't go around telling everyone everything, do you?

Let me also set this clear. I avoided writing depressing entries because I didn't want to feel depressed, and fall deep into the pit again and again. Yes, I am still in bereavement, in 'Iddah - I can still grieve. But please imagine how it is living your days as the 'everything' to your 4 children in a land far, far away. I have friends and relatives, yes. But I still bear everything on my own. I have been like a yoyo - going through life with feelings going up and down. At times, I get tangled in between while at other times, I can 'walk the dog', and enjoy the stroll. It's part of the process. I'm done with going to the doctor's for a sick-note. I decided not to write depressing entries because I hated it when someone comes to say some encouraging words which I already know very well. Instead, my therapy was (and still is) to turn to good friends back home and chat online with them. Thank you peeps!

I have no problem with sharing because I am an educator. I love sharing experiences with others, and am happy if it does help someone somehow. So, I am going on writing here, in this humble blog of mine. Yes, some friends who hang around the same spot as I do (Halwafy, hehe..?), would have known even before I wrote this posting that you have not heard the last of me. There's a book (okay, books actually) in mind now and hopefully with some help from dear ones, I'd get these published soon!(haha - the book I wanted to write last year has gone down the drain since the turn of events: sorry Prof!).

So, thank you for all your support and kind words. This blog will continue with its business as usual. Will try to blog-hop as frequently as before, so my apologies if I have not been that active recently.

Checklists

Everything needs to be maintained to be as best as the original condition: cars, houses, friendships, work, stamina, faith, interests, communication, etc. Over time, you pause to study the damages done and try to repair or upgrade.

My life is full of checklists. Checklists for daily chores within the house, checklists for the responsibility I have with my children, checklists for the tasks I have to do and checklists of the religious commitments I have. It's a way I try to maintain the good things I have now. There are also things that I don't list down in my checklists but are often there at the back of my mind. They are things I know I should do but am playing dumb about.

Maintaining your momentum in the fast pace of life is difficult. It's challenging. It's nerve-wrecking. Nevertheless, you persevere...

I am now writing a book of checklists - a practical guide for Muslim parents and children. I'm perhaps being too ambitious but I didn't write it without a purpose. The book was aimed to help my children and perhaps could be shared with some close friends in the same situation as I am. You see, I even print out checklists for my children as a routine!

This is not the first book I have written but the first of its kind. My intention was to complete it by mid this year but ... I've got to check my own checklist first. Some may say I am too ambitious and that I should prioritise. But hey, I'm not doing this for any reason other than: I NEED THIS FOR MYSELF - literally! I already have a friend who's willing to co-write with me and that's already good news! (Yes, Sis, if you're reading, it's Y.O.U!!). God willing, I'll have it published by the end of the year. Any tips and comments??

Some time painting

I love painting but am always restricted to simple sketches. Give me a pen and paper, and I'll surely be doodling away.

For the past week, I've been doing some still-life drawing and painting. Yet, I wait for the children to be in bed before venturing with my paint and brush. It's difficult to concentrate and also to work when there are four nosy and curious children in front of you. Yes, they do have their own set of painting materials but mommy's is always better. Urghhhh....

In the past, I used to love working with acrylics as it is much easier to put down details. With acrylics, errors are easier to 'cover'. Today, I also enjoy watercolour - the pastel and casual mixtures of colour reflecting calm shades of life. It is, nonetheless, more difficult to handle, if compared to acrylics.

However, I am unable to put up my artwork here because: 1) I don't have a scanner, and 2) my camera is not capable of capturing the details a painting should portray. Hence, I am saved from this task because I am no professional. It is a hobby which needs more practice and studying.

Two weeks ago, I was crazy reading. This week, I've been drawing and painting. I wonder what it'll be next week or the following week. A friend commented that the lines and pages I write in my blog might perhaps be better converted to academic writing. *^&%$^#%@#!!. Replacing blogging with academic writing?? Pause to reflect...

Writing away

When I logged into my blog this morning, I checked on all my postings and stared at the numerous drafts I had stored. I never returned to most of them. They're like abandoned thoughts and ideas, and I honestly think most of them actually embark on interesting notions. Geez... this is perhaps where my problem lies because to let you in my secret, this is so typical of me.

I have one folder in my computer where I keep a journal to jot down my ideas and reactions to articles I read. Some say it's a good start. Personally, I think it's BAD because I never come back to the scribbles to develop them into something worth reading. The different entries can never be incorporated into one. (By the way, I somehow have a funny feeling that this entry will never be posted. )

Through this behaviour of mine, it is easy to figure what sort of person I am. I like things to be done immediately : A-S-A-P. Why? Because procrastination is the enemy that's stalking me. The end result? If I'm lucky, I'd get a awesome showpiece. If it's the usual hey, pronto, then it's probably an average. On bad days, it's a total crap.

I am thus reminded of the task of writing essays back in the school days. Our teacher would remind us to :
1) spend a good 5-10 minutes planning your essay
2) start writing
3) spend the last 10 minutes editing your work - check for grammatical accuracy, punctuation, choice of words, development of ideas, bla bla bla..

And, throughout my years of learning the art of teaching, I too, found that the steps were essential. Still, I hated editting my work as a student (errr, seldom went through them post-writing!).

There are other writing strategies language teachers often recommend: quick writing and free writing. Quick writing is when you write on a specified topic(eg: books) within an allocated time (say, 10 minutes). You scribble as much as your pen takes you on the topic, noting everything that comes into mind. On the other hand, free writing is when you write on ANYTHING of your choice for an allocated time (perhaps, 10 minutes also). The idea is to exercise the brain to be creative, while the hand tries to catch up with the interesting development.

Perhaps I've been exercising draft writing. If the topic is worth coming back to, then I will (when????). If not, then I will go on my adventure, looking for interesting things to reflect on.

I have to stop now and get this published. Just for the sake of it.

pause and reflect: go back to old drafts and transform them into better pieces!