Another loss...

My mobile phone rang when I was grabbing a box of tissue paper from the shelf at the supermarket yesterday afternoon. I grappled for the phone in my pocket, and glanced at the name on the screen: it was Bluewonder - what a surprise!

Unfortunately, I should have guessed that the phonecall would bring me sad news - a much dreaded news for anyone! Our mentor in Edinburgh, Dr Haji Zainuddin Jaffar, had passed away in Brunei - fighting cancer of the lungs at a rate most admired! (he'd be delivering his lectures a day after his chemo session; believing that he was still able to serve the ummah!)

Dr Zainuddin, or Ustaz Din as we knew him, was an intelligent and friendly man who portrayed qualities of a true leader. Many of us will never be able to forget his bright smile and warm heart. Together with his wife, Kak Ni'mah (the daughter of the late Mufti Brunei), they were always warm to us and offered us invaluable advice about almost everything under the sun: from studentship to marriage!

Even after returning home from abroad, Ustaz Din and family still kept in touch with us, despite everyone being all over the place and busy with our own schedules.

Thank you Ustaz, for being there for us and for shaping us into what we are today.

For more details of this respectful man, check out his eldest daughter's blog.

Al-fatihah...

Look at what came through the post today!

I received my birthday present through the mail today and what more could be better than a book by the author herself? It is a book written by my dear fellow blogger: Raden Galoh of http://onebreastbouncing.blogspot.com/.

The demise of my husband had drawn us to one another: she as a breast cancer survivor while I as one who had lost her husband to oesophageal cancer.

I immediately texted her to convey my gratitudes and then quickly slumped myself on the sofa, flicking over the pages.

In no time, tears were streaking my cheeks as I read her words which brought vivid scenes in my mind. It was not as if I had not already known her story; I have read them in her blog. Furthermore, she had revealed some of them to me during our personal encounters, especially when I brought her to meet my sister, Kak Long.

I am proud of this very strong and optimistic lady who has taken all the physical and emotional pain she has been tested with to bring herself closer to the Almighty. I suspect that she has probably experienced more significant events in her life for the past 5 years than the many years she had before the diagnose.

I pray the best for her and her family while they all go through this ordeal, or as I prefer to call it, rahmah. May Allah reward her jannah for her patience and tolerance of it all!

A miracle?

No, it's Allah's grace...

Imagine being diagnosed with a rare type of cancer (malt lymphoma - which is NOT the usual lymphoma that has good records of recovery) at Stage 4 (1 being the beginning, and 4 the extreme, but 'advanced', like my late husband, being ... the ultimate I guess). How they determine the stage is according to the amount of area the cancer cells have spread to (doctors can correct me if I'm wrong here). My sis was at Stage 4 because it had gone into the blood, and also into the bone marrow. After approximately 5-6 months of treatment; ie. 6 cycles of chemo, bottles of Xanco (mangosteen skin juice), gallons of zam zam water (thanks to friends and relatives) which has been read with quranic verses by a Hafeez, Vitamin B17 in the form of apricot kernels, Cactus juice, RO water, habbatussauda' (black seed) and perhaps numerous more variations of medication or supplication, results of the tests indicate that she is actually free for cancer for now.

Physically, my sister is a petite woman with a clean and pure heart. Perhaps she has typical characteristics of a first child: picky with food and not extremely adventurous with it either. It is indeed a big turndown for Kak Long to be told that sugar activates the cancer cells when Kak Long is a sweet tooth!! So this darling sister of mine had to shield off and sacrifice so many items on the foodlist (of course the hospital dietician's list only specified raw food/fruit/vegetables, and food that has been exposed to the open air as things to avoid). I don't recall which specific expert's advice we followed, but I think MANY people advised her to stop eating: meat, dairy products, sugar (carbohydrates included of course), and salt, among others.

It created a lot of commotion, in actual fact. Many fussed, argued and debated over what should and should not be eaten. She got lectures from people who, undoubtedly, meant well. For me it was simple. If my sister could avoid the food, then by all means she should. But if she craved for them or couldn't consume anything else (since she had always been a wee bit picky), then just let her have whatever is halal and edible for her. Most importantly, she needed the energy to recover and regain her strength, especially prior to a chemo session she had to undergo. Everything else is and was in Allah's hands. Whatever medication she took would only heal with Allah's permission.

The total surrender to the Almighty especially in situations such as this is essential. I believe that going back to basics and what Rasulullah practised and used, is vital. The Holy Quran has many advantages and blessings; reading it (every letter, every word, verse, surah) correctly, understanding the meaning and of course the ultimate of all ultimates is applying the content to our daily lives!

Now that we're given a second chance, it'll only go to waste if we don't grab the opportunity... He loves us, doesn't He? :)

ps: I gave Kak Long every single quranic verse my late husband read during his last 3-4 months (even before being diagnosed with cancer). Raden Galoh has put up all the verses and chapters of the Quran that has been recommended to her on her blog, which a dear silent reader has compiled on pdf format. If anyone is interested in the pdf format(I have distributed to friends and family already), do leave your email address in the comment section.

Praises to the Almighty

When I opened my front door this morning, I was greeted with the sight of thick fog. The frosty morning with wet and slippery ground, however, did not dampen my spirits. My face was lit up in the brightest of all smiles as I cheerfully skipped across the road, holding 4 bags in one hand (Little D's lunch, reading bag, PE kit and lastly, a carrier bag filled with empty boxes to make instruments), and Little D's hand in the other. We were slightly later than usual but I didn't mind. For it seemed as if the world had frozen for us, allowing us to catch up with the hustle and bustle of the world's goings-on.

Minutes earlier, I had received a texted message from my second sister who resides in Kuching, informing me the results of our elder sister's PET scan and bone marrow tests. Alhamdulillah, praise the Lord Almighty, the results indicate that the affected parts are now cleared. She is free from cancer for now.

I was overjoyed. I was almost done with the children's breakfast and had already packed off their lunches neatly in their bags. Hence, I rushed to pick up the telephone and dialled my brother-in-law's number.

Kak Long sounded composed and humbled when I spoke to her. I knew that words would probably not be able to do justice in describing my sister's feelings. She was filled with gratitudes to the Almighty, feeling relieved as well as thankful to everyone who has supported her and prayed for her. It is all a test, I remind her. She has been blessed and given a second chance. Truly, only the line from my favourite surah of the Quran, Ar-Rahman, verse 13 came to mind: Which is it, of the favours of your Lord, that you deny?

In early June last year, my sister was diagnosed with 4th stage malt lymphoma. The beginning was actually this post and then followed by many more afterwards. When I accompanied her to the hospital, I did corner the doctor and tried to get her to give me the prognosis of my sister's situation. I guess, being the professional that she was, she said she couldn't give me one as malt lymphoma was not something very common. She simply said that the chance of survival was an honest 50-50%, and that even after my sister's 6 - 7 cycles of chemo, the chances of it recurring would still be high.

Looking back, I realise now that returning home last summer was perhaps one of the most wonderful thing that happened to us in 2008. It has taught me the meaning of relationships: with the Almighty, with family, with relatives, with friends, and with everyone we love or hate. In a relatively short period of time, I have learnt about the greatest hikmah, or advantage, of a disease called cancer. Although the deadly and eerie word can send shivers down one's spine, in actual truth it is a gift by the Almighty: a reminder that death may be so near, yet still a mystery (the actual date).

My late husband had the warning a month prior to his death. Some people get a decade. It all depends on each individual's rezqi. It is an opportunity that should be grabbed to reflect on life, to repent and to prepare facing the days ahead. Books such as Facing Death (mentioned here) and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch are written by cancer patients that make us think of preparations in the last days of our lives. Reading Raden Galoh's blog and the other cancer patients listed on her blogroll, as well as meeting this very charismatic woman (even brought her to meet my Kak Long) definitely helped me understand a little bit more about the journey of a cancer patient.

Allahu Akbar!

It is only Wednesday, and I have already been blessed with several good news this week (still awaiting for more good news!). This is the rhythm of life - sometimes melodious, and sometimes in need of some tuning. For now, what more can I say other than Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah...

Thank you friends, for praying for my sister's health and for our well-being. May Allah bless you all and place you in Jannah, InsyaAllah...

The C word

Cancer - so evil and much feared. So common today.

Now, there are three people constantly on my mind:

1. my sister - awaiting for results of her PET scan, after 6 cycles of chemo,


2. my good blogger-friend, Raden Galoh - battling it in physical pain,


3. my ex-student - whose father (also my ex-schoolmate's father and ex-colleague's husband) has been diagnosed with 'it'.

Some people feel the pain physically, and it bites the soul; it either strengthens or erodes the belief.

Some people are heavily drugged to be numbed of physical pain, although the attack thus becomes more spiritual.

Cancer is an emotional and spiritual wake-up call. Sometimes it's an early warning, a slow reminder that tempts the person to hit the snooze button in automaticity. Yes, we are only human.

Most people are given a second chance, to which are taken in a variety of ways. There are those who survive, believing that a certain product 'helped'; hence He wills the person to draw testimonies and become prosperous through the product. There are people who are blessed and take the opportunity to repent and make the most out of the remnants of life.

My dream is to run a cancer foundation. May Allah help me with this intention.