Friday, September 26, 2008

A splash of cold water... right in the face!

The trees are swaying, with leaves rustling. The air is fresh and cool; a wisp of tingling sensation running down the spine. I love the smell of fresh-cut grass and the energy created by the powerful effects of pleasant weather in Britain. The clear crisp air somehow allows you to snap out of your dream to realise that you are indeed living in the world today.

I was awoken from my deep slumber. Today I suddenly realised that this is for real. No, I have never been in denial, neither have I been angry nor have I antagonised the demise of my beloved. I have always known that he is gone, forever... (despite the memories that haunt me, and the dreams I still have of him: coming to just lie beside me in bed, both of us just smiling and looking deep into each other's eyes).
Nonetheless, today when I paid my zakat fitrah for the first time in my entire life - the fact hit me hard. I am now the leader of the pack, the sole parent, the closest human to my four off-springs. Such a responsibility lies on my shoulders, symbolically portrayed through the act of paying the zakat for each of my dependents. Oh, Cayang, I now have to do all this on my own... I know I can, with His guidance and power, but I feel I'm left to dwindle almost so hopelessly...
Then, later tonight, as I cleared up the living room, the term 'single-parent' hit me straight in the face - the second time today. Gee, now I am just like that makcik who has been raising her two daughters single-handedly ever since her husband passed away, when she was carrying her second child. Or, just like my neighbour from across the street, who's been divorced since her little girl was in kindergarten. In fact, my position is almost exactly like what I see in movies (or dramas and cerekaramas) or read in novels - of how widows and divorcees struggle to bring up their children single-handedly. They work extra hours, and they crack their whips, just so that their children are not deprived of the wonders of the world. Today, I am on the other side. I am that woman.
Subhanallah and Alhamdulillah. I thank the Lord for the rezki He has showered us with. However, I can't help feeling a wee bit sorry for my children; that their lives today are no longer the same as yesterday. I thought that I could offer them a more 'perfect' family than what I had before but who would guess that my beloved would go so soon? Ergo, I succumb to the divine will, because although feint, the best must be etched somewhere out there for each of us - by Him. They will InsyaAllah grow up tough, 100 times tougher than their Mommy.
It's almost a year now... (how time flies). This time last year, he had given a friend some money to pay for our zakat. This time last year, I still had a husband to whom I smiled to and held hands with. This time last year, we were still a family: a father, a mother and four children. That is how fast Allah can take what He has given. All for the best and all because He loves us.
Wakey, wakey! He is now only a memory in our minds - of a very loving and caring man who was my best friend and leader of the family.
My dearest children, you are the amanah Allah has bestowed onto me. With the barakah of this holy month, I pray that I will be a better Muslimah so that I can be a good mother to you all. It doesn't matter how difficult things are, or how different we are from others because as long as we have each other, then God-willing, we will always be alright.

22 comments:

Kak Teh said...

D dearest, you all will be alright - Insyaallah. I dont want to go into cliches - Love the pix in your banner.
Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin - much love from me, Kak teh

NORLELA ZUBIR said...

D, take care. Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri.

myheartbleeds said...

d dear, though we are NOT in denial, different aspects of the reality hits us at different times. Today, you may realize that YOU are the one to have to pay the zakah, tomorrow it could be something else. We learn and grow (try to) along the way, insya-Allah.

I am THAT makcik!!! hehe

vimmiyasmin said...

Kak D
Salam AidilFitri. Take Care!

Kak Elle said...

D the test from HIM is hard but you will be alright - Insyaallah...

I will be celebrating first time without bapak also and I can imagine the loneliness on hari raya morning but I have to carryon as an eldest daughter as the siblings will be coming to pay their respect to me now since both our parents are gone.

Selamat hari raya dan maaf zahir batin.

Cookiemonsta said...

D dearie, thank you for your raya wish and “virtual” hugs and kisses. Please accept mine in return. InsyaAllah everything will be fine. We are not so very different after all. We are just mothers trying our level best to make things work. Trust me babe, you can make it. Thinking of you and the children always. Selamat hari raya - maaf zahir batin.

Ms B said...

D dear,

You know, I am at work while reading this post and trying hard not to let a tear drop. What you wrote hit me bullet point.

The first time is the hardest, and it doesnt get easier each year. Slowly, it'll be ok.

as long as we remember our amanah, life is a blessing. Besides, tru them we learn how to have a lil bit of fun in life. *smiles*

take care!

kc said...

selamat ari raye, maap zahir dan batin. jgn sedey2 sangat k.

Iza-Zulkifli said...

kak D, everything will be alright. insya-allah.

selamat hari raya. take care. hugs and kisses for you and the kids..muahhh

D said...

kak teh,
thanks for the vote of confidence. I know we will be alright. These are just the feelings and emotions I go through from time to time. A phase that requires me to pause and reflect.

norlela zubair,
I will, sis. selamat hari ray to you too.. (you're new here, aren't you? or just making yourself visible? ;) )

myheartbleeds,
yes, life is a journey, a process. we learn right up to the end - through joy and sorrow. Hey, sorry I wasn't referring to you in that description of the 'makcik', but what the heck - join the club!! LOL!

vimmiyasmin,
Eid Mubarak to you! insyaAllah, i'll take care of myself, though i confess of not really remembering how to! *chuckle

kak elle,
we fill in our emptiness with the company of others we love and enjoy being with. may your eid be blessed!

cookiemonsta,
thanks honey! insyaAllah, we'll all sail through, it's just the question of sentiments and emotions that cause us women to pause a little longer, reflect a little bit harder, and sob a wee bit more. happy eid to you!

ms b,
i'm sorry if i offended you or hit you too hard. I didn't mean to. it was a self-reflection of the people who have been surrounding me while I was growing up, and how i had probably not thought so much about them. but yes, you are right - the children always keep me going and 'young'! imagine if I were childless, I'm sure I'd be a wreck by now!! take care dear.

kc,
no, kita tak sedey over-over. sekali-sekala je (pastu pegi tulis entry plak kat sini, so orang ingat macam selalu la!). happy eid!

iza,
insyaAllah. will prayers from friends like you, insyaAllah... u take care too!!

Raden Galoh said...

Salam sis...
I read you as a calmer person now... alhamdulillah. Insya'Allah you'll always be under His love and care.

Salam eidul fitri and am missing you much, sis. Take care as always okay?

muaaah.

Raden Galoh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anggerik merah said...

Dear D,

salam aidilfitri.

BIG hug from me and u take care

silversarina said...

salam,

InsyaAllah apa sahaja perjalanan hidup kita , keberkatan dariNYA adalah yang paling utama.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Batin .

Count Byron said...

Well done B. Allah is with you, and you have your lovely children to thank Him for.
My Countess encountered some difficulties in the past, and came out unscathed due to Allah's bounty on us. the family.
Smile. We tarried here, but for 1 minute, or just one second. The Journey will take us all there. Fortunate are the ones adequately prepared.
At the rate you are doing, you are more than adequately prepared, alhamdulilah

Salam hari raya to you and your beautiful children

CB & Countess

maszuzu said...

salam sis,

you are indeed a strong woman. have a blessed syawal and looovvveee the pics of your children..they're gorgeous!!!

IBU said...

Salam D,

Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul. I just hope everything will go well for you & your children, insyaAllah....

Salam Aidilfitri dari kami di Rawang.

Anonymous said...

Sis D, be strong... you can do it..
Selamat Hari Raya

13may said...

buat kak D sekeluarga,

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri, Maaf Zahir dan Batin

D.N.A.S said...

D,
I pray that you'll be in excellent health so that you can take care of the kids and provide them guidance always.

Selamat Hari Raya

NJ said...

Salam D,

Wishing you and the 4 angels Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri!

{{Hugs}}

sweetspirits said...

Saying a prayer for and your family
I'm sure you will strive for the best that you can do .
Take carez