Back in the UK (Part One)

It was difficult leaving home this time. Very, very difficult.

It was time to bid farewell to family and friends, and return to a plethora of loneliness and emptiness. Though we were lucky to always be surrounded by wonderful people who managed to fill in the gaps of emotional drought, nothing could really break the hollowness.

The last three days were horrible for me.

Perhaps it was the thought of leaving Kak Long was what haunted me. I want to be with her and hold her hands when she's scared and unsure, and tell her that Allah knows best. I want her to be worry-free of all worldly matters and focus on her own well-being.

Or perhaps it was the adieus with superb companions like old chummies from school and work, my dear Spot, blogger friends myheartbleeds and Raden Galoh, among others. Never forgetting, my dear nephews and nieces, who are angels and just like my own children - all 29 of them.

Or maybe it was just those last minute sessions with the few who only managed to meet up before we left - forcing me to relate stories of the past and opening floodgates to sadness and melancholy. I've related the story tens or hundreds of times, without shedding a tear - I know. But somehow, recently it has been difficult and I just let them tears flow...

Or perhaps it was the feeling that I've just failed in something I had put my heart into - an abandoned project.

Or perhaps it was the opposite of it, overwhelmed at the wonders the Almighty has programmed for me - a miracle unexplained. An answer to the prayers I make.

Or perhaps it was just the feeling of setting back on my path alone, without my soul mate. It really is a journey and I really am alone, guided by Him.

I don't know. Perhaps it's a mixture of everything. But what I do know is that I've had it with crying and feeling sad. I don't want to be sad. Of course, who does? I know that life ahead will be difficult but I'm not letting anything or anyone make me sad. Is that possible? Anything is possible when He permits it. I'm focussing my life now on my studies and my children. Period. I don't want to think of the unknown and indefinite. Those are to be left to the Almighty who never ever goes wrong.

Oh well, perhaps my free-lance writing will help me keep myself a little busy too. Yes, to those in Malaysia, I now write for an English weekly newspaper, Criteria. The newspaper is written in an Islamic voice and published by Saba Islamic Media. A dear senior from school recommended me the job and I thought I'd just try my luck. The newspaper is still relatively new and requires a lot of publicising and cheering, so here I am, doing just that. Maybe they'll soon give me my own column to ramble on, just like I do in this blog of mine, eh?

I planned a long entry - reflecting on the days in Malaysia and the lessons I have learnt but my body's not up to it yet. My final week in Malaysia was a little bit too exhausting on the body, mind and soul. Physically, I was running around from one end of the city to another. And all the mental and spiritual issues that went in my head invited Mr Insomnia, an old friend, back. So, after the long sit in the plane, I am now officially a little beat up.

Last night I managed to keep the children up a little longer than their eyes really allowed them to - by tickling them and fooling around with them. I also pulled them up and made them move their exhausted bodies just so that they slept when it was already night in the UK! Finally, when I could not fool them any longer, we all slumped together under the duvets, hugging each other tight and falling into deep slumber.

This morning, just as I planned, we got up for Sahoor, and after Subuh prayers, they all went back to bed. Two and a half hours later, everyone woke up feeling fresh and well recharged to start the first day of school. However, I left someone wailing in class today - oops! Little D was just a little bit too shy to go back, especially in a new setting with new teachers. My little Peanut is in Year One now. No longer a baby yet somehow I feel that I actually want to freeze time (or even turn back time) so that I can always keep him and the others wrapped in my arms.

Time to go now - to continue cleaning up the house and unpacking.

To dear Muslim brothers and sisters, have a good Ramadhan and let's grab this opportunity to be better Muslims.