Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Back in the UK (Part One)

It was difficult leaving home this time. Very, very difficult.

It was time to bid farewell to family and friends, and return to a plethora of loneliness and emptiness. Though we were lucky to always be surrounded by wonderful people who managed to fill in the gaps of emotional drought, nothing could really break the hollowness.

The last three days were horrible for me.

Perhaps it was the thought of leaving Kak Long was what haunted me. I want to be with her and hold her hands when she's scared and unsure, and tell her that Allah knows best. I want her to be worry-free of all worldly matters and focus on her own well-being.

Or perhaps it was the adieus with superb companions like old chummies from school and work, my dear Spot, blogger friends myheartbleeds and Raden Galoh, among others. Never forgetting, my dear nephews and nieces, who are angels and just like my own children - all 29 of them.

Or maybe it was just those last minute sessions with the few who only managed to meet up before we left - forcing me to relate stories of the past and opening floodgates to sadness and melancholy. I've related the story tens or hundreds of times, without shedding a tear - I know. But somehow, recently it has been difficult and I just let them tears flow...

Or perhaps it was the feeling that I've just failed in something I had put my heart into - an abandoned project.

Or perhaps it was the opposite of it, overwhelmed at the wonders the Almighty has programmed for me - a miracle unexplained. An answer to the prayers I make.

Or perhaps it was just the feeling of setting back on my path alone, without my soul mate. It really is a journey and I really am alone, guided by Him.

I don't know. Perhaps it's a mixture of everything. But what I do know is that I've had it with crying and feeling sad. I don't want to be sad. Of course, who does? I know that life ahead will be difficult but I'm not letting anything or anyone make me sad. Is that possible? Anything is possible when He permits it. I'm focussing my life now on my studies and my children. Period. I don't want to think of the unknown and indefinite. Those are to be left to the Almighty who never ever goes wrong.

Oh well, perhaps my free-lance writing will help me keep myself a little busy too. Yes, to those in Malaysia, I now write for an English weekly newspaper, Criteria. The newspaper is written in an Islamic voice and published by Saba Islamic Media. A dear senior from school recommended me the job and I thought I'd just try my luck. The newspaper is still relatively new and requires a lot of publicising and cheering, so here I am, doing just that. Maybe they'll soon give me my own column to ramble on, just like I do in this blog of mine, eh?

I planned a long entry - reflecting on the days in Malaysia and the lessons I have learnt but my body's not up to it yet. My final week in Malaysia was a little bit too exhausting on the body, mind and soul. Physically, I was running around from one end of the city to another. And all the mental and spiritual issues that went in my head invited Mr Insomnia, an old friend, back. So, after the long sit in the plane, I am now officially a little beat up.

Last night I managed to keep the children up a little longer than their eyes really allowed them to - by tickling them and fooling around with them. I also pulled them up and made them move their exhausted bodies just so that they slept when it was already night in the UK! Finally, when I could not fool them any longer, we all slumped together under the duvets, hugging each other tight and falling into deep slumber.

This morning, just as I planned, we got up for Sahoor, and after Subuh prayers, they all went back to bed. Two and a half hours later, everyone woke up feeling fresh and well recharged to start the first day of school. However, I left someone wailing in class today - oops! Little D was just a little bit too shy to go back, especially in a new setting with new teachers. My little Peanut is in Year One now. No longer a baby yet somehow I feel that I actually want to freeze time (or even turn back time) so that I can always keep him and the others wrapped in my arms.

Time to go now - to continue cleaning up the house and unpacking.

To dear Muslim brothers and sisters, have a good Ramadhan and let's grab this opportunity to be better Muslims.

16 comments:

Adam said...

Glad to hear that you are back in the UK safe and sound. Ramadhan mubarak

Kak Teh said...

My dearesr D, welcome back. I know it must have been difficult for you to leave. Will be in touch and selamat berpuasa to you and the children.

Ms B said...

"Or perhaps it was just the feeling of setting back on my path alone, without my soul mate."

At least you found ur soulmate dear. *smiles*

My girl is now in year 3! Such a big girl and I didnt have the chance to hug & kiss her today. Oh well, cant wait to go home and hear her first day back to school.

Salam ramadhan to u & kids!

Asma' said...

Salaam my fren; Ijah,
I pray - Insya Allah, may Allah gives you great patience & endurance to overcome the obstacles. Its Allah will and guidance that enable you to get through d hardships. My dear, keep on trying to put things in perspectives & keep on searching for the positive side of Allah's test.Again..really hope you will find strength to overcome the sadness.Ameen..

anggerik merah said...

Dear D,

Alhamdullilah, good to hear that you and children are safely back to UK...

Oh...Mr.Insomnia is so annoying...I knew how it felt.At one time I had it for many weeks and I didn't realise it really dragged me down. Anyway,there is always ways to get around it...

U take care dear!

myheartbleeds said...

Alhamdulillah, you're back home safe. Hope you'll have enough time to 'recover' before class starts...

U take care, now!

F manchester said...

D, Welcome back! I hope all is well. I will be heading back to M'sia in 2+weeks time insya'ALLAH, can't wait.

Hope to talk to you soon and Selamat berpuasa from us sekeluarga..

~akuni~ said...

Alhamdulillah, semoga semuanya selamat di sana ya...

littlemuffins said...

salam D

Selamat Menjalani Ibadah Puasa di bulan yg mulia ini.

:-)

Kak Elle said...

Selamat berpuasa d .. yes I hate getting insomnia too and worst part is when you just abt to close your eyes its wakey2 time..urrggh!

My hugs to all of you and take care.

Raden Galoh said...

Darling sis...
Alhamdulillah you sound well...thank you for the sms last nite...will keep in touch with you definitely....oh i forgot to ask you K.long's hp no...pls sms me hers can?

God bless you sis. I do feel blessed we met and get connected. Thank you.

maklang said...

jangan sedih2..Allah sentiasa bersama...

sayang kita tak dapat bertemu ye D...take care and cium untuk anak2!:)

IBU said...

D...

x de chance jumpa haritu. I was ...err... 'confined' for a while. Again :(

Anyway.... hope you all have a blessed and peaceful Ramadhan.

After raya, I kesana pulak 2 minggu. ALahai...kena bawak bekal rendang Berahim la gamaknya!!

ruby ahmad said...

Salam D,

Ding dong, ding dong, now dah 4 days berpuasa. Aduhai....well, I just have to move faster lah macam ni.

Hey, you ahve great people there giving you all the welcome & help. How wonderful. Take care dear.

Count Byron said...

D
Selamat berpuasa. May you have the grand blessings this Ramadhan and that you and children are safe and happy.
Thank you for the advice on counting the blessings.
CB

diny said...

Salam D, good to know that you are back safely. Selamat berpuasa..jemput dtg ke birm raya nanti....

Diny