Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Making life go on...

If we trust in Him, He will never disappoint us.

A week ago, I left the United Kingdom surrendering to the Almighty, all my future to be etched by this trip back home. I am humbled and reminded of how little or nothing I am – without His guidance, blessings and pointers. I crumble without the strength of Imaan, and without worldly security. I collapse without a shoulder to cry on, and without a friend to confide in.

Yet again, I have been reminded and blessed with His clear affection: He keeps us all in His guidance and leads us to our destination.


Every time I step into our room here, pulling the door open, I cannot help feel so nostalgic. He used to hold the door open for me, when I had my arms full. Vice versa. Our room is more of a suite – a large room that was our humble abode. Even though Kak Long and her children had gone through the trouble of decorating our room with a WELCOME HOME banner and colourful balloons, nothing can really stop the piercing and aching from deep within.

The scent of the bathroom stirs a sense of familiarity – of something from the past that was so pleasant. Perhaps some two or three years ago. And almost every time I shower, I can never stop the tears from escaping… It still hurts. I can feel him so close by. Is he really gone?

Only twenty-one months away from home, and already we feel so alien and uncomfortable. The feeling is indescribable; of nostalgia – the laughter and tears, and of loss and feeling displaced. Yes, nothing will be the same again. It is also paradoxical. Somehow, it’s good to be home. This has always been home. The house is one year older than I am. As a child, this is where I spent my evenings on my favourite swing – swinging so high till I could reach the sky. It was also where I had my hiding place; up on the rambutan tree, climbing to the highest and most comfortable peak, my hideout when I felt the world drawing close to me.

This house is also where I had all my friends over: primary school mates in the evenings, secondary school mates (for the weekend sleepover from residential school), university chummies, and colleagues. This house saw me grow up from a sloppy girl who moved from reading Enid Blyton’s, then Sweet Valley High, to Sydney Sheldon, to Virginia Andrews, and later, the classics of Thomas Hardy and Charles Dickens when I was already a young woman.

I got married in this house – the last one of the five sisters. And this house is also where I lost both my mom and brother. But this is not where I lost my soul mate. This is where I built my life with him.

It has only been a week, but we are still finding it difficult to go through our days in this house. Perhaps we need more time to settle down. It has been awhile, so we also probably need some time to adjust ourselves and relax. I am moving on, and I am wrapping it all up just like I’m clearing out all his clothes; but of course, there’s something anchoring these feelings. It’s not easy.

Despite all these emotional turmoil, I feel blessed meeting warm and affectionate family and friends. Let me first point out that I am NOT a celebrity. Please don’t anyone say that. In fact, how can I be a celebrity – what is there to celebrate? The death of a husband? Becoming a widow? Yes, the tens of people who have met me will say that I appear ever so cheerful and happy, without a hint of sadness or despair. This is D – the same ol’ D from twenty years ago, ten years ago or merely two years ago. I have chosen to be the person you meet today because the moment I become sober and serious, then, all the sadness will be gushing in, overflowing and escaping the fort I have built. I fear that it will sweep me away. Hence, putting a brave front with cheery notes and positive energy will hopefully make me go through my daily activities more swiftly. InsyaAllah. At least, that’s what I pray for every day.

Although some close friends don't like the sound of it when I tell them that I live by the day, that's really how I'm plotting my days ahead. I can trust no one other than Him. Of course I have my tentative plans laid out, but things are all loosely placed for only the Almighty will decide what is best for each of us.

"O my Lord! let my entry be by the Gate of Truth and Honor and likewise my exit by the Gate of Truth and Honor; and grant me from Thy Presence an authority to aid (me)."
Surah Isra (17) verse 80.

21 comments:

Raden Galoh said...

Salam sis...

My heart ached badly reading this entry but your honesty in revealing your feeling gives an indication that you are a strong person...

Our situation is different, somehow, I feel I can understand you. The fact: we hate to have the sorrow overwhelming us and controlling us, thus we put up a strong and happy face. Only God knows the troubled heart and sadness we face. In every byte and rythmn of your writing, you help me pick up the strength to brace the future...Thank you so much dear D.

Hope we'll see each other soon. You take care. *hugs*.

Aida Marie said...

Sweetie pie,

If living by the day gets you through, then so be it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

ms istanbul said...

Oh d,

Gosh! U and I sound alike!!! *smiles*

Yes dear. People have their own opinion on how to lead our life. But at the end of the day, it is our choice, how we want to live our life. What matters is that we have our loved ones by our side (in our case, it is our children).

Besides, i think hanging out with our kids makes us feel younger, yeah? *winks*

ps: Finally bumped into Kak teh yesterday.

F Manchester said...

D- how else are you suppose to live your life if not live by the day? or have I got it wrong all this time?!! whoops :)
All plans ahead are always tentative- so I think you're pretty sound. Just don't forget to plan ahaed for your kids- thats most important I think. Insy'ALLAH you'll be sailing smoothly.

maklang said...

((hugs)) all the way from Kerteh...

Take care..

anggerik merah said...

Dear D,

you are blessed with strength by HIM

nikfarizah said...

Dear D,

Hi..welcome HOME. I am reading your blog for the past 1 year and used to leave comments before. All I can say...you're such a strong woman, keep it up D!

akuxcerdik said...

Di hujung dunia sana, ada hamba Allah yg ditimpa malapateka dan kepayahan, tiada tempat mengadu..jauh sekali berkongsi cerita melalui blog sebegini..namun, dia terus ketawa & gembira kerna dapat 'melihat' si DIA dengan lebih jelas

Helena said...

dah lama tak menjenguk.....

hey you are home!!!!

Stay strong dear..... salam dari HElena....

j@nggo said...

D
Be strong for the sake of your kids.
Apa orang kata?
Berat mata memandang, lagi berat bahu memikul...

myheartbleeds said...

Continue doing it your way, sis. You'll be just fine...

Anonymous said...

Hai Kak D,
stay strong ya.. wish to meet u..someday..somehow..

Luv,
M.H

MULAN said...

kerteh welcomes u..!!! anytime, anyday..!!! maklang ada, kak rina pun ada..

Nadia said...

kak d,

subhanallah...i can only imagine how you must be feeling. hugs...Allah loves you.

NJ said...

*Speechless*

(((HUGS))) from NJ

david santos said...

Happy day!

Zakiah said...

heyyyy...biler ni?? biler?..mama sarah text i hari tu. I anytime!!

Anonymous said...

Kak,

lama saya tak berkesempatan membaca blog akak, dihambat kesibukan yang memenjara.
Anyway, TQ for yr email --- dunia maya menemukan kita semula selepas tak jumpa 19 tahun --- hampir 2 dasawarsa tu!

Anyway, selamat kembali ke tanah air ... take care.

keep in touch, sis.

wassalam.
-Dayang-

Farah Alias said...

salam kak d,
got ur url from my friend.
amazing story,amazing life,so proud of u.
i was crying while reading ur post titled 'he's gone'
so proud of u.u're so strong.
i can't imagine myself at ur situation!

ajzie said...

Hugs.. frm me

Nek Rock said...

Salam D,

Been ur silent reader sometimes ago,u r such a strong lady,keep that way dear D.

Warm hugs
nekrock (phoenix,az)