Saturday, April 26, 2008

I so miss him!

It's not as easy as it sounds. I promised myself never to fall into the pit. But since after my 'Iddah, this is the second time I've been in this darkness.

Perhaps it's the weather. Or maybe it's that certain something that's been lingering and pounding in my head? Or maybe it's just the hormones? Better still, it's perhaps because I feel sooooo lonely? I personally think it's because of tomorrow. (Watch this space for development!)

Of late, I've been spending some time reading translations of the Quran and some religious books and websites (I've also been listening to Kaer's "Biarkanku pergi" and watching the tribute to him on YouTube). The issue most appealing in my readings is death; the importance of always keeping death in the mind, and just being physically close to whatever that reminds you of it,is ibadah itself. It may sound morbid and pathetic, but this is so that we remember life is temporary, hence we should work hard in our ibadah to ensure that we'd be prepared for it. I know I should be moving on to greener pastures, and move on with only good and positive memories of the late Mr D. However, it's the good memories I miss that's been pulling me down.
I can close my eyes and picture him laughing in front of the telly, watching American Idol (I have only seen bits of two episodes of American Idol this season..). Or, I can close my eyes and see him staring at me with a smile on his face. Everything is still very clearly sketched in my mind.
I am not drowning in sorrow (okay, maybe I am a little), but I'm just saying that I miss him. I used to have my best friend with me when I was feeling low. But this time, the schedule's tight and there are deadlines to meet. So, without my best friend, I sob my eyes out (in phases since this morning) remembering the man I shared so many years and things together with. Have no fear, Allah is always here!!

16 comments:

maklang said...

D sayang...sabar adikku...

Maklang pun tumpang bersedih membaca luahan hati D...its OK to be that way sometimes...

Allah sentiasa bersama D. Apa yang berlaku semuanya dugaan untuk D sekeluarga..dan InsyaAllah yang terbaik buat semua...

Maklang doakan D tabah ye...jangan sedih2 ye..

Take care..

zonaku said...

Lady D,
org akan kata "patah tumbuh hilang berganti", D akan pikir, tumbuh x sama, gantian x serupa...
kadangkala airmata & kenangan terindah bersama adalah teman y paling memahami..
tabah yer... doa sy bersama D...

myheartbleeds said...

d -- I applaud you for being so brave to post this entry. I have written many such entries which remained as draft.

It's been 14 months for me but I assure you, the 'darkness' that you are feeling still haunts me from time to time. In a way, I feel it is some kind of 'nikmat' Allah, for it makes us think of death and life in the hereafter often and 'tak terlalu sayangkan dunia'. You are the chosen one, d...

'Biarkan ku pergi'? Mine is 'Mengenangmu' by Indo group Kerispatih -- go listen to it on Youtube, but please listen to it in small doses as it will drag you down even lower.

You take care, sis...

Hugs and kisses from the 3M (Mommy, Maira & Misha) to you and the Fab Four.

nurazzah8 said...

D,
membaca entry kali ini memang membuat akak pun turut sedih. tak tahu nak cakap apa...walau apa pun akak doakan agar D akan sentiasa tabah menghadapi semua ini...
kalau balik malaysia silalah singgah Shah Alam dan singgah rumah akak...

Kak Teh said...

D, sure you miss him, its okay to say that. Its okay to feel sad and to cry. You see him smile and laugh and you have good memories of him. That's not a bad thing.
Take care D.

Rd said...

D,

It's sad reading this entry. It is just so natural for you to feel you're missing him as he had been your best friend and confidant!

by the way, thank you for tagging me :)

D said...

mak lang,
eh.. jangan la sedih. D kalau tulis, nak kasi lepas je & kasi kuat semangat. I'm Alhamdulillah fine.. thanks mak lang!

zonaku,
In Allah we trust - everything is for the better. it's just this time of the year yang miss lebih sket... I'm moving on, don't worry.

myheartbleeds,
I woke up this morning and actually thought - Gosh, maybe I should take away this entry!!! But lo and behold, I've got comments already (unfortunately Malaysia has daytime while we sleep...). Actually everyday I think of him and read the Yaasin at least twice daily. Cuma ni lebih sikiiiiit je. Trust in Allah - that's all that keeps me going.
btw, heard your song already!

nurazzah8,
eh, janganla sedih kak! tak syok la cam ni.. bila ada rezeki, kita berjumpa nanti.

kak teh,
as ever - you're right. remembering him brings me closer to death. missing him makes me appreciate life better. So, ok la kan? why's everyone sad then?? ;)

rd,
like I told the others, apasal la u pulak yang sedih ni?? Hehehe... Whenever I feel like sad is attacking, I recall phrases and points from the book Don't Be Sad. I miss him, but it's not the end of the world.

thanks everyone!

Are-T said...

Kak D, i am a silent reader of your blog. Saya faham perasaan akak..be strong....saya mendoakan akak dr jauh.

ileena said...

aunty D!!!!!!!!!!!!...
i tak nak kasik u sedih lagi...
but im here to wish you all the happiness in the world!!:)
love u love u:):)

silversarina said...

Sedih merindu memang lumrah terutama pada yang telah tiada... tapi akak yakin D kuat semangat untuk terus membimbing anak-anak , InsyaAllah perasaan rindu akan lebih membina kekuatan dalaman .

Serene said...

Assalamu alaikum.

I cried when I read this posting and the other one ... may Allah bless and reward you and your family with good, in this world and the next, ameen.

Take care; fi amanillah.

assalamu alaikum

U.Lee said...

Hello D, I can imagine your feelings. But what lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside you.
Love is something eternal. the aspect may change, but not the essence.
It is good to have beautiful memories, D.
And no smile is as beautiful as those that pass thru tears.
You keep well, D. Oh ya, if free drop by, have something for you, best regards, Lee.

simah said...

Have no fear, Allah is always here!!

it rhymes... n so true as well... take care girl! *hugs*

Dentist said...

Be strong! insya allah He will be with us!...

ruby ahmad said...

Hello D,

I lost my note I wrote just now. I will write again.

D, it is your right to feel any way you want to when it comes to your loved one.

Tears? Of course it is ok to cry any amount you want. Tears are not a sign of weakness. Tears ada lah anugerah tuhan to help us women to be stronger. Tears keep us company in times of need and missing loved ones. Go ahead sweetheart.

If in my zest I said some things yg tak menyenang kan, I do apologies my dear.

Feel any way you want to. That is your right.

In anycase I you are so responsible towards your children and that counts the most now. My prayers.

Nadia said...

HUGS Kak D