Saturday, March 08, 2008

A last letter to my dearest Mr D

My dearest Cayang,

This is probably my last letter to you, although I don't think there will be any postmen who can bring this letter to you. So, instead of posting it into a postbox, I'm posting this on my regular blog. It's my dedication to you on the last day of my 'Iddah...

Cayang,

Even though today marks 4 months and 10 days since you left us, I still find the fact of you no longer existing in this world too wild to believe. There are too many times that I feel at lost without you by my side - no more jokes from you, no more handyman in the house, no more friend to hear my woes of the day, no more hugs and kisses, and no more surprises behind doors. The list is endless, Cayang, and I so miss you very much... Every time I fry some keropok, I am reminded of how much you had enjoyed them. And every time I see the grapes on the shelves at the supermarket, I remember how you always told me to get you some while you were in the hospital - "and make sure they're sweet!", you had remarked. I look at the cracked window in the kitchen, and I remember you; I open up the medicine cabinet, and I'm reminded of you. You are everywhere in our lives Cayang, yet you are not here.

Having said this, Cayang, I believe that the period of grieve Allah has set, is a very fulfilling time - of which I have been able to recollect the memories of you the way I probably should; with aids of pictures, momentos, and reflections. Being alone here, Cayang, has taught me so much about life. I have learnt about faith, communication, sacrifice, love, devotion, determination, strength, power, sincerity, sympathy, empathy, money, friendship, family and many more. Most of all, Cayang, I believe that you were a symbol of sacrifice to our family for not only did you suffer physically, but the trial Allah has set up for us is just to bring us closer to Him. Alhamdulillah. Further away from you but closer to Him. Isn't that a real sacrifice?

My dearest,

How I feel like rewinding the months that have passed, back to the month of September when you were diagnosed with Cancer. How I wish I was courageous enough to tell you how much I am grateful to the Almighty for the 11 years of marriage with you. I couldn't do it at that time, Cayang, because I didn't want to think that you were leaving us too soon. All I wanted to do was to make you happy and fill you with hopes and determination. I didn't want to bring you down into sorrow and sadness. However, I am pleased that I did manage tell you from time to time that I constantly love you, and so does Allah. Alhamdulillah, from the very beginning we were guided into a relationship I consider so perfect. To me, it takes someone really special to be able to tolerate me. And you were able to do just that - to understand me, to love me and to always be by my side. I do not think that anyone can love me as much as you did, Cayang, and for that, I thank Allah for blessing me with you Cayang...

You promised to love me and be as loving to one another as Day One, and you kept to your words. As one who was never really surrounded with love, I appreciate and treasure all that you have done to me and for me. I hope that I have done so to you too, although I feel that I have not been as great a partner, friend, and wife to you. Forgive me, Cayang...

Cayang,

You have taught me a lot about life through your own being. How could life not be meaningful and purposeful when everything we did evolved around the love we had for one another? As long as I had you with me, I was happy and contented. So, what happens now, Cayang, when you are no longer physically here? The sadness and hollowness that I feel, however, does not mean that I am not letting you go. Allah loves you more, and He knows best. You went in the most honourable way I can think of, and that I feel is a sign that He loves you so much. All the wonderful things you have done in your lifetime has paid off, Cayang, and I will ensure that the precious gems you have left with me (the children) will continue to bring you more blessings for your afterlife, InsyaAllah... Although the dreams we built together may seem to be shattered, I seek the Almighty to help me plan out and path out what is best for us all.

My Beloved Cayang,

Don't you think that our love is so great that it is all portrayed through the way it has tragically ended? Remember, Cayang, our love started here - in the UK, back in 1994. And after all that we have gone through together, you were so determined to come back here with our four darlings. Who would have thought that it was merely because you were going to finish off the love you started here as well? Thirteen years later. I find this so mesmerising.

My ever dearest Cayang,

Today my 'Iddah ends, and I ensure you that I will no longer grieve for your departure because that is not what He wants. It does not mean, however, that I will no longer think of you. I will continue praying for you, loving you and keeping you in my mind, but I will not make this a hurdle in our years to come. Allah knows best, hence I will be optimistic; relishing on all that I have gained out of this bitter experience, and bring them along to move on with the children - to carry on with the dreams that we built together, for our children, lillahita'ala. So, Cayang, allow me to step into a whole new world - with what little courage I am left with, led by the Almighty...


Your One and Only,

~D~

41 comments:

Umi Kalthum Ngah said...

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah,

Dearest D...

Kasih D yang mendalam bagi Almarhum suami, begitu juga kasihya Almarhum yang mendalam pada D adalah anugerah daripada Allah swt....

(..sepertimana jawab Nabi Muhammad (s.a.w.) ketika ditanya Saidatina Aisyah, mengapa Baginda tidak dapat melupai Saidatina Khadijah..)

Saya doakan semoga D dan Almarhum dapat bertemu kembali dan menemani satu sama lain di 'sana' nanti..Insya Allah...Amin.

Wasalam..

idham said...

Semua Doa mu dan doa anak2 mu, hanya mampu saya Aminnnnn kan dari sini, di samping doa dari saya juga untuk yang terbaik untuk D dan anak2.

ariffin

Anonymous said...

Salam D,

It's me M***i, my first time leaving some words on your blog. Alhamdulillah the day has come. I pray that the days, weeks and years to come will be filled with happiness for you and your 4 little gems. Now that weather is much better, perhaps we can plan a little picnic or something. Have a good weekend!!

M***i (Sheffield)

Kak Elle said...

You've said everything and my best wishes to you and the children for a better tomorrow:)

k.d said...

Kak D, such beautiful doa. Such courage and tawakkal. May Allah be with you and guide you always.

Anonymous said...

Salaam,

Indeed you've done an awesome job as a Muslim wife, you were with him, guiding him to the right path, alhamdulillah. You have been a wonderful mom to the 4 amanahs your late husband entrusted you with, alhamdulillah.

Allah be with you always, insyaAllah. Stay calm and strong!

Wassalam ... California friend.

Nadia said...

assalamualaikum K D,

Subhanallah..some of what you said in the letter, I am not able to fully appreciate(wisdom behind the grieving period of a widow) maybe because I have not gone through it, but jazakillah khair for sharing. May Allah continue to bless you with strength and patience. and Ameen to the duas.
Inna maal usri yusra..inna maal usri yusra. Inshaallah your yusra is already there.

hugs

kc said...

dearest d;

am always here but seldom leave trail becoz i prefer to read yr thoughts silently and absorb it earnestly. this is a very poignant letter from a broken hearted wife to her departed husband. it is so humanly touching. i am humbled by yr experience.

keep on writing those letters to him as if he is still there...

love n hugs;
KC

Restless said...

Chins up K di...

mardhiah12 said...

salam kak D,
you had me crying again..:(

al-amiNJ said...

Assalaamu'alaikum D.

Kasih & sayang kepada manusia berlandaskan kasih kepada PENCIPTA kita adalah kasih & sayang yang agung. Teruskan hidup dengan kasih TUHAN YANG MENCIPTA KITA dengan bertauhid yang bersih.

Kak Teh said...

D, my apologies if I couldnt finish reading this letter. It feels like intruding into something so sacred, so wonderful, so personal. You have been blessed and cherish that. For us, still with out beloved, your experience makes us appreciate each other even more. Take care D dearest . He is always there with you.

Mas Rahim said...

Salam..

I've been reading ur blog for past few mths..Hope everything will be better and better & wish u luck in whateva u do..May Allah SWT will always Bless u n kids.

Take Care!

Mama22Beas said...

D, I read all your posts ever since I 'found' ur comment in my blog. But I stopped putting comment after finding out the late Mr D's death as I was just afraid that I put in wrong words, and I was stunned as I was just about to embark on the battle with cancer with you (having done that with my BIL for 5 years).
Maybe it never occured to me that it would be that fast, but in Dec I lost my sister only two weeks after she was first diagnosed with colon cancer. And it humbled me down and I learn a lot more through your sharing. Thanks D and you're blessed.

Amy said...

Dearest D, I cried again reading this entry. Amy doakan yg terbaik. Stay strong! Take care..

myheartbleeds said...

Dearest D,

It doesn't have to be your last letter... I'm pretty sure it won't. You will wanna write him again from time to time... sharing your thoughts, feelings... reaching out for your best friend.

Sometimes you'll wanna write him about an extremely significant event... and sometimes you'll wanna write him about the silly weather...

Driving home today, I had mentally composed what I was going to type in my "Letters to Babang" blog (which is my invisible-to-all on-line journal).

And tonight, reading your blog, there was your entry -- a letter to your Cayang (how sweet...)

My prayers are for you, dear sis... they also go out to your dearest Cayang and your Fab 4...

HE will look after you... all of you.

Take care now.

IBU said...

Salam D

Absence can indeed make the heart grows fonder. Out of sight, but not out of mind & soul. Your courage is really inspiring.

Take care!

anggerik merah said...

Dear D,

it touch my heart reading this letter to your love one..... It reminds me of those days when I was alone in UK with undescriable feeling closer to HIM.

Obviously the late Mr. D is your true love and it is a gift from HIM. Insyaallah Allah will always protect you and your 4 gems.

You take care..Love and hugs from me.

NJ said...

Well said dear. You remind us to cherish all the loves we are currently blessed with. Your courage is indeed inspirational to many.

iNa said...

sedihnya kak dij!

rad said...

D,
Kalau org lain menangis baca entry ni, saya tersenyum memjg - kelakar coz you keep repeating panggilan 'cayang' - that's so sweet!
Klu sayalah (maklumlah xde exp)mmg malu nak admit apa2 panggilan manja pun...malu tp mau!

InsyaAllah your cayang dah selamat bersamaNya. D & anak2 - hidup perlu teruskan...

You know that this doesn't has to be your final letter to him? You can always write to him - it's good for you - & publish it here for us to ponder. Ala, mcm buku PS I Love You tu..though in reversal kot.

My prayers for you & family...tc

P/s: The smiling pic-combo really scares me - takut pulak klu2 terenterframe! Hehehe..

hanis said...

Salam kak D,

Honestly, saya memang menitiskan air mata bila read entry akak ni.

walau tidak pernah mengenali akak,
tapi melalui tulisan akak ni,saya tahu akak memang sangat tabah orangnya.Semoga rahmat ALLAH sentiasa di sisi akak sekeluarga.

Yang penting harus selalu positive ya kak and keep on writing.

P/s:Saya sangat berterima kasih pada akak sebab secara tak lansung melalui tulisan2x akak,saya semacam dikejutkan dari tidur untuk lebih mensyukuri dan menghargai dengan apa yang saya miliki sekarang ini.

simah said...

my dearest D...

Al fatihah... u redha... that is the best thing u can ever do.. the rest will flow in its own course..

i suppose this marks the new phase in ur life... whatever it is u decide... i hope u wont stop blogging coz i thing many will agree that we all do worry about u.. and even if it is only thru this blog we can hear of ur news...lets be it...so...stop blogging? dont even consider it! :0)

take care dear... i admire ur courage.... not many have ur strength...:0)

ADIEJIN said...

dik, serious wa tak nangis baca posting ni. wa terer, wa tough, wa macho..wa tak sedih pun..wa selamba jer...





airmata jer meleleh...

ADIEJIN said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms Istanbul said...

D,

"being alone has taught me so much about life".

Indeed it does. *smiles* U keep well. One day, our paths will cross.


Ms Istanbul aka London Mocha

Mohd Shazuan [ me ] said...

Kak D...


u're one strong god's creates...
smile...ur darlings will be the shine in ur life...

Nomee said...

You take care

Mak Teh said...

Salam D, I was blog hopping from OO's. After reading your letter entry, I just had to leave some words. I would have felt the same in your situation. Alhamdulillah still have mine. Your children look wonderful, you are blessed! Take good care of them and yourself too. Mak teh doakan D akan berjaya dan bahagia jua.

silversarina said...

Salam,

Betapa akak sentiasa kagum dengan ketabahan D , begitulah kehidupan yang akan sentiasa diteruskan . InsyaAllah akak juga akan sentiasa berdoa demi masa depan D dan anak-anak comel diberkati .Amin.

zonaku said...

Dear Mrs D,
a very tearful reading...
May Allah bless u... Shoulder straight, chin up... it's a whole new life...

Kaklong Syikin said...

salam sis,

lama saya tak ke sini. maafla..

saya terfikir, bgmana rasanya bila kita dah habis eddah kematian tu utk memulakan hidup baru. Beranikah utk terus kehadapan, berseorangan dlm erti kata kita adalah balu dan bukan isteri orang lagi.

saya mendoakan agar sis terus tabah dan kuat dlm mengharungi kehidupan ini bersama anak2, dalam mendidik dan membesarkan mereka.

Akan duduk di sini terus atau pulang ke Msia?

teruskanlah mengepos surat2 pada arwah seperti dia ada, saya percaya ia satu terapi buat sis juga.

Usia perkahwinan sis 11 tahun bila sis kematian suami. Dan tahun ni, usia perkahwinan saya masuk 10 tahun, membuatkan saya terfikir, bolehkah kami bersama lagi untuk 10 tahun akan datang? Hanya Allah yg Mengetahui. InsyaAllah, saya akan hargai momen2 kami bersama ini.

Thnks a lot kerana meluahkan isi hati sis yg membuatkan kami para pembaca menelusuri kembali diri, hati dan perasan kami akan apa itu nilai cinta pada pasangan kami.

ileena said...

salam aunty d
release ur balloon alrdy?;)
take care!
xoxo

ajzie said...

Dear D..

Semoga di permudahkan segala urusan.

Take care..
Ajzie..

f.asmak dzulkifli said...

Salam rindu D,

Hikmah setiap kejadian seringkali muncul pada penghujungnya.Alhamdulillah, D bukan sekadar dapat melepasi UJIAN Allah, bahkan lebih dari itu...Sy doakan agar Allah meredhai serta merahmati D & anak2..tidak lupa moga mencucuri rahmat ke atas ruh allahyarham suami...

mi2omar said...

Mrs D,

I can’t comprehend just how sad you must feel
For the loss of someone you love.
This sorrowful time must still feel unreal
And you’re looking for strength from above.

I hope, from my heart, that your pain will decrease,
That your spirit will gain strength again,
And I pray that your faith will create inner peace
And that Allah will send blessings--Amin.

Anonymous said...

Salam D....

Akak doakan semuga D tabah mengharungi kehidupan tanpa suami disisi dan semuga Allah sentiasa memberkati kehidupan D dan anak2..

Anonymous said...

D, this is my first time reading your blog and i am hooked already. tak habis lagi nangis ni. no words can describe my feelings now. I wish u all the best and hope the kids are alright. Take care.

Anonymous said...

Dear D,i tak tau nak ckp mcmana but after i posted a comment tadi, i kept on reading.i knew this friend, and i heard the news of his death from another fren, neighbour kgtunku.bila dah baca2 tu confirm lah.akak kenal hazli sejak kat itm kelantan.then i met him again kat portmth.i was studying kat kent.apa2 pun sejak kat kelate lg dia mmg baik/ alim. kat u.k pun mcm tu.muda2 solat tak tinggal.ngaji pun rajin.akak terkilan jugak tak terjumpa blog u ni awal2.but like u said Allah knows best.I wish u all the best. kisses and hugs to your kids.
Kak As

Anonymous said...

Dij...

Tabah kan hati...

All The Cars In The World said...

Remember, this is our life and no one comes out of it alive...