This is probably my last letter to you, although I don't think there will be any postmen who can bring this letter to you. So, instead of posting it into a postbox, I'm posting this on my regular blog. It's my dedication to you on the last day of my 'Iddah...
Even though today marks 4 months and 10 days since you left us, I still find the fact of you no longer existing in this world too wild to believe. There are too many times that I feel at lost without you by my side - no more jokes from you, no more handyman in the house, no more friend to hear my woes of the day, no more hugs and kisses, and no more surprises behind doors. The list is endless, Cayang, and I so miss you very much... Every time I fry some keropok, I am reminded of how much you had enjoyed them. And every time I see the grapes on the shelves at the supermarket, I remember how you always told me to get you some while you were in the hospital - "and make sure they're sweet!", you had remarked. I look at the cracked window in the kitchen, and I remember you; I open up the medicine cabinet, and I'm reminded of you. You are everywhere in our lives Cayang, yet you are not here.
Having said this, Cayang, I believe that the period of grieve Allah has set, is a very fulfilling time - of which I have been able to recollect the memories of you the way I probably should; with aids of pictures, momentos, and reflections. Being alone here, Cayang, has taught me so much about life. I have learnt about faith, communication, sacrifice, love, devotion, determination, strength, power, sincerity, sympathy, empathy, money, friendship, family and many more. Most of all, Cayang, I believe that you were a symbol of sacrifice to our family for not only did you suffer physically, but the trial Allah has set up for us is just to bring us closer to Him. Alhamdulillah. Further away from you but closer to Him. Isn't that a real sacrifice?
How I feel like rewinding the months that have passed, back to the month of September when you were diagnosed with Cancer. How I wish I was courageous enough to tell you how much I am grateful to the Almighty for the 11 years of marriage with you. I couldn't do it at that time, Cayang, because I didn't want to think that you were leaving us too soon. All I wanted to do was to make you happy and fill you with hopes and determination. I didn't want to bring you down into sorrow and sadness. However, I am pleased that I did manage tell you from time to time that I constantly love you, and so does Allah. Alhamdulillah, from the very beginning we were guided into a relationship I consider so perfect. To me, it takes someone really special to be able to tolerate me. And you were able to do just that - to understand me, to love me and to always be by my side. I do not think that anyone can love me as much as you did, Cayang, and for that, I thank Allah for blessing me with you Cayang...
You promised to love me and be as loving to one another as Day One, and you kept to your words. As one who was never really surrounded with love, I appreciate and treasure all that you have done to me and for me. I hope that I have done so to you too, although I feel that I have not been as great a partner, friend, and wife to you. Forgive me, Cayang...
You have taught me a lot about life through your own being. How could life not be meaningful and purposeful when everything we did evolved around the love we had for one another? As long as I had you with me, I was happy and contented. So, what happens now, Cayang, when you are no longer physically here? The sadness and hollowness that I feel, however, does not mean that I am not letting you go. Allah loves you more, and He knows best. You went in the most honourable way I can think of, and that I feel is a sign that He loves you so much. All the wonderful things you have done in your lifetime has paid off, Cayang, and I will ensure that the precious gems you have left with me (the children) will continue to bring you more blessings for your afterlife, InsyaAllah... Although the dreams we built together may seem to be shattered, I seek the Almighty to help me plan out and path out what is best for us all.
My Beloved Cayang,
Don't you think that our love is so great that it is all portrayed through the way it has tragically ended? Remember, Cayang, our love started here - in the UK, back in 1994. And after all that we have gone through together, you were so determined to come back here with our four darlings. Who would have thought that it was merely because you were going to finish off the love you started here as well? Thirteen years later. I find this so mesmerising.
My ever dearest Cayang,
Today my 'Iddah ends, and I ensure you that I will no longer grieve for your departure because that is not what He wants. It does not mean, however, that I will no longer think of you. I will continue praying for you, loving you and keeping you in my mind, but I will not make this a hurdle in our years to come. Allah knows best, hence I will be optimistic; relishing on all that I have gained out of this bitter experience, and bring them along to move on with the children - to carry on with the dreams that we built together, for our children, lillahita'ala. So, Cayang, allow me to step into a whole new world - with what little courage I am left with, led by the Almighty...
Your One and Only,