Lessons of Life - Part Two: 'Iddah

Since I've only got approximately one week left of mourning ('Iddah), I think it is apt to write a little about my journey throughout the period of confinement: 4 months and 10 days.

Please note that the period of my confinement, due to the lost of a husband through death, is 4 months and 10 days, unlike those who have undergone divorce: 3 months or 3 cycles of menses.

Spend a moment to pause and reflect on why there is this difference in time period. Surely, there must be a valid reason behind each proclamation.

As I have mentioned in one of my earlier posts, there are five main elements that I have to abide to while in 'Iddah:

• I cannot marry another.
• I cannot leave the house to pursue unimportant matters, including social visits.
• I can only accept male visitors in the house while my muhrim is around.
• I cannot go back home (Malaysia) during this confinement period.
• I cannot don any attractive clothing or apply make-up as to avoid fitnah (Al-Ehdad).

Let me also make myself clear that in interpreting what has been passed on by our Lord and apostle, there are many different opinions that may differ from what I practice. I have received various comments and viewpoints about what 'Iddah entails through liberal modern eyes, yet I choose to conform to what I have been taught and what I feel comfortable doing. Although I admit I may not have strictly followed everything I had initially highlighted, I did try as best I could to keep to them.

A woman in 'Iddah is sought to confine herself to her home, limiting social interaction and unnecessary mingling, simply to protect herself against censure. Abstaining from social functions is one point I find most complicated because not everyone agrees or understands this. On numerous occasions, despite my casual explanation, I was invited over to friends' for social visits. I was even cynically leered once for not visiting. I actually did visit others, but only close friends and not when there is a crowd. Why was I expected to be there? More interestingly, let me explain why I shouldn't.

Having gone through 4 months of my 'Iddah period now, I understand why the period of grieve was necessary. A woman is made so feminine; emotional and sensitive that a devastating news such as a death of a spouse would definitely shake her down to the roots. Thus, the period Allah has set for her to grieve (note: grieving period for other family members is limited to 3 days - nothing more!) is a long enough period for her to adjust her life and get back on her feet.

For instance, take me - a person most people consider very strong (??!). I still cry thinking of the lost of my dear husband. I do not cry of regret, but I cry of sadness and disbelief; to actually think that he has left me - for real! Every time I bump into an ex-student, colleague, friend or acquaintance while I'm out running an errand, and they extend their condolences, I'd be spending the next hour or two feeling nostalgic and sad.

This morning, as I crossed the street after exiting the library, I met my ex-landlord - Mr. Majeed. I told him of my late husband's departure and immediately, his eyes became misty. We only lived nextdoor to him for three months, but he sort of had a bonding with my late husband. It was difficult to find people who could not get along with the late Mr. D, I must say. After bidding farewell to Mr. Majeed, I turned and walked in the opposite direction with my cheeks streaked with tears.

Being totally independent in this foreign land, without close relatives or chummies, I run my confinement days with minimal contact with the outside world. Yes, I go out shopping when the need arises, to work, and to some friends' houses for discussions or friendly goodbyes. But I do not accept invitations with crowds around. That would be categorised as unnecessary.

To some, I have been like a recluse - hiding in my house when the outside world is blooming away (well, not so much during winter though...). I know most people mean well but my situation does not permit me to accept such invitations. My apologies... Please understand that I still find it difficult meeting people - because I no longer have my late husband next to me. If people cannot agree with my stand, then perhaps just try to understand me - try fitting into my shoes, even though our sizes may vary.

Upon saying all these, I am now making plans for next week (and the week after, and the week after - Easter hols: hurrah!!). Once the 'Iddah period is lifted, I need to embrace myself and march straight ahead. I have my children's well-being and future to think of. Although a little anxious at times, I am confident that the Almighty has got it all planned out for us - all for the best. Hence, with constant prayers, including those from family and friends, our passage will InsyaAllah be clearly paved out.

So, hold your horses - give me some space. I am not making any serious decisions just yet. Come April - when the weather's all sunny, who knows what new ideas and possibilities will come, and which doors will open... It will then be a new episode altogether, InsyaAllah.