Monday, November 12, 2007

What I've been up to

I've been away from the computer for three days. A glimpse at it makes me snort in disgust. Why shouldn't I? It swallowed a long entry I worked on (which was approaching its end), leaving me frustrated and annoyed. All thanks to the automatic saving device!! On second thoughts, perhaps I was not meant to share what I wrote with the world...

So, today, with the kids off to school and some of my work done for the time being, I set myself to write a short entry (for fear that things will disappear again!).

The past week has been rather quiet. It has given my children and I time to really pause and reflect on all the things that have zoomed by us. It's the time to pick up the pieces and try to fit them into the space we're left with.

My inlaws (parents and brother) went back on Wednesday, 7th November, leaving the children each with a gift to amuse themselves with. And indeed, they did work as pacifiers to their emotional needs. Although Little D was quite frustrated that his grandparents were leaving before his birthday, worries and concerns were quickly shoved aside at the sight of well-wrapped presents!

The house has been back to its usual number of occupants: six. Only this time, it's the four children, myself and my dad. Although Mr D is gone forever, the house is still as it used to be; his clothes, his shoes, his books, his medication, his things, his footsteps, and most of all, his love. We feel it deep in our hearts, as if he is still living in this house with us. Perhaps, just as if he is going to walk through the door any time.

As I was walking my children to school last week, I told my daughter that I somehow felt like I was in a dream, to think that their dad had passed away.

To my surprise, she agreed with me, Yes, mom. I too feel as if I'm in a dream. I can't really believe dad is gone...

With tears welling in my eyes, I squeezed her hand in mine.

A few nights ago while we were lazing around in the living room, Little D asked, Mom, where's dad?

My father and I exchanged glances. I then turned to Little D. You know where your dad is, don't you?

He looked up at the ceiling and muttered, Yes, daddy's passed away but where is he? He's watching us, isn't he?

And so, I explained where his daddy was. Physically, his body was buried deep in the ground. Spiritually, that he is in 'Alam Barzakh, waiting to be awaken on the day of judgement, where we will all meet again, InsyaAllah.

Running through our daily chores is not as easy as it used to be. Often more than not, the same thought strikes me as I busy myself with something, Oh, wait till I tell Mr D. When I then realise that I would never be able to do that anymore. These were just tiny and insignificant incidents that we encountered daily, like a picture I might see in the newspaper that reminds me of something we both shared, or a dusty corner on the kitchen shelf. We had shared everything, and told each other every insignificant detail there was, making them all very significant. And that is something I can never share with any other friend I have. It would be too insignificant then.
Of all Mr D's possessions, one item I find extremely personal is his spectacles. He had it with him all the time. He hardly took them off, even during the last few days he was in the hospital; regardless of when he was asleep, half-asleep, or awake. If I suggested that he took them off, he'd say, leave them on, I want to see clearer, though what he wanted to see beats me. Approximately ten minutes before he left us on the 29th of October, I was somehow able to take the glasses off him. At that point, he could no longer argue with us because other than us, death was already by his side.

Slowly, I am trying to continue my journey through life with the memories and dreams that Mr D and I had. I have to make him proud of me and that is just what I'll do...

40 comments:

Restless said...

Dear Kak D,

There's an old saying that the spirit stays with us for forty days. That would of course, explain the lingering smell that people smell of (like kayu barus during the third nights).

Whatever it is, do remember that writing can also be part of the healing process. Though specificity may not be possible, writing in metaphors can also aid this. Well, it did help me!

Lots of love, me

bAiTi said...

Kak D,

Moga Allah permudahkan segala urusan Kak D + anak2. Insya Allah, Dia sentiasa bersama2 dengan mereka yang redha + sabar.

He will be definitely proud of you, Kak D. That's for sure.

lady pot pet said...

The strength in you and in your writings are helping me to be as strong as you...you are fully admired for that.

May Allah SWT bless your family and you adn your late Mr.D.

Jazakallah...

Kak Wardi said...

Yes Ija, that's okay and normal for us to feel if he is still there. Even their 'jasad' were gone but sebenarnya kasih sayang yang terus menghidupkan dia (dan mereka yg telah pergi) dalam ingatan kita.
Semoga allah terus memberikan ija semangat dan kekutan untuk meneruskan kehidupan.

idham said...

waz here.....lost for words, but lots of thoughts for you and ur loved ones at home - from LiL & I.

LiL was teary eyes reading your entry...she sends her love and salam....

idham

IBU said...

Dear D

Don't know you personally yet - but so proud of you. Your leaving all these reflections behind will help not just you but a lot more out there, men & women alike, to appreciate what we have and what we had - no matter how insignificant we may feel for or of them at times!

Little that I know, our nick names happen to be same, albeit slightly different spelling.

Take care D, hugs for the children.

Dentist and Me said...

Kak D,

amalan yang terus dikira hingga kiamat adalah, ilmu yang bermanfaat, sedekah jariah kerana Allah, dan anak yang sholeh dan sholehah yang sentiasa mendoakannya.

Ikhlas,

D

Anonymous said...

Memories keep the past ever present. May Allah protect you and your little ones.

Salam from Texas

Kak Elle said...

D no words can express my feelings but tears when I read the entry...may you and children be blessed always by HIM and the road be smooth always too.

When my mom passed away suddenly it took me 4o days to finally came to terms.

al-fatehah to arwah mr d and my mom.

Anonymous said...

Assalamualaikum D,

You have to be strong for the children's sake. I know it is rather tough but please stay on. The children needs you.

Take care of yourself ok.
I'm sure Mr. D is proud of you.

Ikhlas,
Jijimum

nurazzah8 said...

I can feel your strength in you thru your writings, keep on D, for the sake of your children and yourself.
InsyaAllah akak akan pergi menunaikan haji pd 7 Dis ini and InsyaAllah I'll pray for you and your family . Please pray for my safety journey and also may Allah granted us(my hubby, me, MIL and BIL) a good health so that we can perform our ibadah haji dengan sempurna.

A.Z. Haida said...

kak D,

i believe he was already proud of you before he moved to the 'next phase', and am sure you will continue to make him feel just that...

may you get to be together again one day, insya Allah

Mami Dini said...

D, Inalillah wa inalillahi rajiun, I believe hes always and will always proud of u. Allah knew what best for u and may tested any of u. I admire ur strength and hope to have the same, have to be strong for ur kids and their future.... Semoga Allah akan merahmati anda sekeluarga... Alfatihah for our late Mr. D.

ajzie said...

Seperti Kak Elle Tidak terkata saya apabila membaca N3 ini. No words can express my feelings but tears when I read the entry. D memang seorang yg tabah.. moga dipermudahkan segala urusan..

cikdinz said...

kak D, kalau wujud anugerah yg tertinggi di dalam dunia ni, saya bagi kat kak D. ketabahan dan kesabaran kak D begitu mengagumkan saya sekeluarga kak...

NJ said...

Salam D,

NJ was here...eyes a bit teary reading your thot... makes me really appreciate all the small and insignificant things shared with the loved ones...

Take care.

*Hugs*

Raden Galoh said...

Salam D... Every line you wrote carved the strength Allah bestows in you... I'll continue praying that Allah eases your path and gives you peace of mind in bracing through this test. You are blessed dear sister!

Indeed, you are right in keeping the memory alive. I'm proud of you. Take care.

Superwomanwannabe said...

D

Its ok to weep & its ok to not be strong once in a while.

kc said...

sedihnyer baca entri nih...

just keep on writing yr feelings and thoughts. take care D!

picang said...

Assalamualaikum,

My deepest condolences to you and your family. I've never seen such devotion and dedication from a wife to her husband and family as shown by you.

Allah lebih mengetahui dan lebih arif dalam segala hal. Saya percaya arwah memang bangga dengan puan. Semoga Allah memudahkan segala urusan dan memberikan kesihatan dan keberkatan dalam kehidupan seharian puan sekeluarga serta menempatkan arwah dalam golongan yang soleh.

Salam ikhlas dari saya dan keluarga.

maklang said...

D..moga tabah dalam segalanya...

k3na said...

Assalamualaikum

I am so sorry. Inna lillahi wainna ilaihi raa'jiun. May Allah grant you pahala for this musibah and may He gantikan dengan yang lebih baik. I know it's way too early to think of a pengganti, but I'd like to share a story with you. Apologies if you've heard this story before.

Ada satu cerita tentang Ummu Salamah yang mendengar dari suaminya Abu Salamah (yang mendengarnya dari Rasulullah SAW) pasal hamba Muslim yang ditimpa musibah lalu mengucapkan ''Inna lillahi wainna ilaihi raaji'un'' dan berdoa mendapat pahala dan ganti yang lebih baik. Kemudian Abu Salamah pun meninggal dunia dan Ummu Salamah pun berdoa seperti yang atas. Tetapi Ummu Salamah bertanya kepada dirinya sendiri, "Siapakah yang lebih baik dari Abu Salamah?"

Nak tau apa jadi lepas tu? Ummu Salamah telah bernikah dengan Rasulullah. Dan kemudian Ummu Salamah pun berkata bahawa Allah telah menggantikan untuk dirinya yang lebih baik dari Abu Salamah: yakni Rasulullah. :)

I know nothing can take away the pain but if you ever need to talk or anything, do email me at k3nadd(at)gmail(dot)com. I lost my 6 months old baby son last year. However, I'm sure our grief is different and I'll probably never ever understand what you went through. Again, I'm so sorry and my deepest condolences to you and your family.

Salam perkenalan
Cat, OX2

sofie_75 said...

It's not going to be easy. Before your entry, I did said to my hubby..I think it is a hard time now for you. We all know you strong. But we are all human. Sebab tulah tahun kematian khatijah dan Abu Talib di namakan tahun kesedihan buat rasullah.
Aftermath always very hard. Before, everything just so quick. I just hope if you can get somebody to be with you all the time after your dad going back. Just to make things easy. You got long way to go with 4 children. and sort out his belonging. It wont be easy. There is thing we can't express in writing or talk to other people like you said. Things that we can only talk to our belove hubby. Our winge, our stress and things like that. We will be strong..Just to get through it not as easy as we can imagine.

Lady CT said...

Dear sis D,

Hope I can be as strong as you in whatever situation I'll face in my life. Semoga sis D sekeluarga di dalam lindungan Allah s.w.t sentiasa. Amin...

WANSHANA said...

Dear D,

Thank you for sharing this with us. It must have been very difficult for you to write this, but I know that what you have written here has made a lot of people pause to reflect indeed...

It is the little, little things that we share with our loved ones that are sacred and matter the most, and that we should be grateful for...

My prayers are with you and anak-anak. Semoga tenang dan tabah, insya Allah. Amin.

Anonymous said...

saya pun rasa yg sama mcm wanshana, your entry certainly makes me pause to reflect... to appreciate what seems to be insignificant but actually very significant. may Allah reward you for sharing it with us. hugs and kisses for you and your children. i just knew your real name, and it coincidentally is my daughter's name, which is certainly named after the first prophet wife, the noble woman, and the strong pillar to the prophet throughout the hardest part of our prophet's life. Alhamdulillah.

Kaklong said...

salam sis D,

takziah buat sis sefamili. menangis saya baca entri ni. Moga Allah beri kekuatan pada sis dan anak2.

betapa kuat dan tabahnya sis saya dpt rasakan apatah lagi berada di sisi arwah sendiri smasa akhir nafasnya.

dalam masa yg sama, saya gembira sbb urusan arwah dngn Allah begitu mudah dan urusan pengkebumiannya bgitu lancar. Alhamdulillah, itu rezekinya.


p.s. maaflah lama tak kesini, saya baru start blogging semula ni.

~ iNa ~ said...

salam kak D

i know how it feels. i've lost many people who are dear to me too and it took me some time to recover.

i know u r one tough cookie!

bimmer553 said...

semoga anda semakin tabah menempuhi hari hari yang akan dilalui.

Faruha said...

Salam D,

D keep on writing..your true feelings. Even I'm nothing to you, I really proud of you. I can see your strength thru the words in your writing.
Indeed, every sentences you wrote touched me deeply, makes me keep thinking...when I woke up this morning to perform the solat the 1st things came in my mind is you!
My duas will always with u and ur children.

D kuatkan hati demi anak-anak. Life must go on...

kl_gal said...

I'm sure that he is already so proud of you. I, a stranger am in awe of your strength in dealing with this situation. God bless you and your little ones.

Anonymous said...

tjah,

life must go on but MEMORY REMAINS...ALWAYS.....

Al-quran adalah pengubat segala duka....

Diana said...

Aslmkm wrt

dearest KakD

thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

I pray Allah Almighty shower His blessings onto Mr D and give u and your children more strength, patience and increase in iman.

though i never know you, and only came upon your blog by chance, i can feel the sincerity and strength of your character thru ur writing.

indeed, it really make me (& my friends) pause and reflect. well done, continue to inspire.

please do take care,

praying for u n family,

diana, malaysia

Roti Kacang Merah said...

Dijji, dulu i dah selalu kena. Tulis panjang-panjang-panjang, pastu padam!

Now I will write on Word dulu (sambil-sambil tu can check spelling, too! hehe), save, and then cut paste to Notepad pula (to counter it's setting), THEN only cutpaste ke blog!

banyak kerja, tapi at least kurang sumpahseranah, dah. hehe

hey that last para of yours, so very sedih. evoked my own memory. i remembered my own experience when i lost my loved one late 2003. i touched down at his hometown in KK for his funeral (first time sampai Sabah) and the first one i wanted to sms to say how excited i was to be able to be in his hometown, was him.

There are only two things that can heal you ~ prayers, for strength. And time.

That said, i remember how i wanted the time to move quicker than it should so that i could heal faster, but at the same time not wanting it to pass by too quickly takut all memories of him - his voice, his laughter, his images, etc - fade as quickly too.

His family actually serahkan his watch, glasses/specs and handphone to me. They said I need those items to remind me of him more than they do. Bless them indeed.

My prayers and love to you and anak-anak, Dijji.

Nero ...... said...

Tak terkata bila baca post kali nie...kak memang org yang tabah....

ruby ahmad said...

Salam D,

You made me cry.

I love what you wrote. Keep well dear.

mynn said...

she didn't write anything but nisak was crying reading your entries. she doesn't get the internet very often, but today we're visiting my brother & she wrestled me out of the computer chair to read your blog. she was reading all your past entries. you and your family are definitely in our thoughts & prayers. salams to all. Sarah has been saying "kak lang"'s name a few times -- looking at another girl's photos showing that she still dearly remembers her friend in coventry.

nur said...

kak D,
selepas 10 hari Mr D pergi, ibu pula menyusul meninggalkan kami sekeluarga. perasaan yang sama dirasai. bagai mimpi...

rizal_a said...

It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer...and everything collapses - hang in dere, d...

All The Cars In The World said...

Mrs.D,
I may not know (never say never) you but reading your blog almost brought tears to my eyes.

I was wondering did Mr.D work for the owner of the Twin Towers(u know which company kan?)

His face seemed so familiar. Anyway mungkin pelanduk dua serupa.

harap Puan D tabah mengharungi hidup but at least you have children.

There are worst people who had nobody other than each other. So in a way, I think you are lucky unlike some.