Dear Friend

My friend's husband passed away approximately 4 days ago after spending a few weeks in coma.  This letter is dedicated especially to her.

***

Dearest Dibah,

I don't know where to start as I don't know what to say.  As much, I don't want to sound cocky by saying, "I know how you feel", or "I understand", or "I've been there".  But I have.  I truly have.

I am sure, too, that you are perhaps almost tired of all the condolences received. All the cliches and all the words of advice. Because it happened to you, and not anyone else.  Not forgetting, those remarks that may have been meant well but only turned out to be a little inappropriate.

Forgive me for not visiting when I should have. Not when he was in the hospital.  Not even at his funeral. I was perhaps the most selfish and inconsiderate person to not be there. But I chose not to be there because it hurt too much.

I feel your sorrows, your frustrations and your anger.  I understand the feeling of emptiness that envelopes you every time you turn and see that space next to you.  I can hear loneliness echoing in that petite body of yours. I sense the sheer sadness that glooms over you when you realise that he is no longer physically here with you.

He is gone.

So, do cry, my dear - with the tears that will never stop streaming down your cheeks, day and night.  Let those tears wash away your sadness, fears and sorrows.  Let them trickle and drench yourself because that is the best medicine of all!

Yet all is not lost.

When my late husband was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus at the advanced stage more than six years ago, my heart shattered into pieces.  The only thing that kept me intact on the days that followed was what my dad said to me: "Believe in the Divine Will and Decree" (Percaya kepada Qada' dan Qadar).  And that was what I repeatedly chanted to myself, as a reminder that would help me snap out of my hazy days.

Adibah,

I want you to grieve today.  And the day after. And the day after. You have 4 months and 10 days.   It is the time He has given to us so make the best out of it.  Feel sorry for yourself.  Sit down and spend your time looking at all the photos and videos you've taken of him and of yourselves, together.  Embrace it all. Absorb them.  You are in bereavement.

Use the time to think of tomorrow. Of whether the sun is going to shine, or the postman's going to come and bring you some good news.  Think of what you are going to do when you feel hopeless without your Gentle Giant to help reach out to the impossibly high shelves when you need someone to.  Yes, the days will no longer be the same.  From now on, you are forced to accept the change.  No matter how unpleasant it is.

But you know what, Dibah?  If you accept this change with great contentment (redha), then, He will ease it for you.  He will keep His eyes on you and help you sail through, lest the hiccups and the stumbling up the stairs.  For He has blessed you with great companions: your children, family and friends.  They may not be the same as your very own soul mate, but collectively, they make excellent remedies on dreadful days.  Well, at least that was what happened to me.

I know that you will actually be fine.  In time, perhaps.  InsyaAllah...

Make him proud by being the best of you because that's what made him love you so much.


Hugs, love and kisses,

Kak Dij

Hello!

This blog has evolved through so many phases.

Started in 2006 and the last post I wrote was in 2010.

I once hid the blog from everyone's view but because so many people wrote in and requested me to share what I had written with others, I opened it up to public again.

Occasionally, I do come to pause and reflect, and to have a good cry.

Today, I came because a friend lost her husband. Yet, how do I tell her that I know how she feels, while avoiding all the cliches?

So, here I am.  I thought I'd continue writing. I don't know who's reading and where my writing will lead me to. There are so many bitter-sweet memories here but the sweetest thing that has probably happened to me is the lesson learnt. That I have Allah -  no matter what, no matter where.

I'll see you when I see you. If I do.

G for

good
great
goo
glum
gist
gigantic
game
give
glance
gossip
grateful
giddy
glimpse
gene
glorious
guts
gorgeous
guillotine
gelatine
guy
glove
gloat
gun
gap
gleam

Goodbye!

I'm finally doing what I've been contemplating to do for so long.  And I'm doing it today - exactly three years on the Gregorian calendar.  He would have been 41 today.  Writing this blog for the past four years has been an experience I am so grateful for.  I have learnt so much about life through the blog, albeit it only being a virtual element.  This blog has evolved from a simple reflective blog to a more philosophical one which has apparently been inspiring to some, so I've been told.  Strange how my initial attempts to write as a personal reflection has aspired others more than it has to me!

The number of people I've made friends with is uncountable and priceless.  It is strange how technology has drawn humans closer to the extent that even though most have not met in person, they each know so much about the others' life and personality.  I am grateful to have known people from all walks of life, from the rich to the poor, to the quiet and timid to the famous and popular.  I will surely not forget all my dear friends, including those who have returned to our Creator.

If my reflections are worth the pause, then let us hope it will help us wade through our journey tomorrow.

If what I write are merely rantings of a damsel in distress, then let me be forgiven for the unsettling laments of the restless soul.


PTR now bids adieu to acquaintances and friends.  She can still be contacted via the facebook account: Pause To Reflect.  She will continue writing and blogging where nobody knows her name.  Well, until someone nonchalantly reveals it, that is!   

Feelings

Last night, just before I switched off my computer, I thought I'd check on my facebook. There, I was entertained by the video of Saloma and Ahmad Daud which Naz had put up: 'Sudah kawin ke belum?' And before I know it, I was on youtube listening to songs I grew up with such as 'Tiru macam saya', 'Chiki chiki boom' and 'Dengar ini cerita'. Surely, I was typing all the songs that came to mind. Until I came to this:



I still remember my Kak Long singing this sentimental piece all her heart, which we ridiculed with 'Feelings.... Cicak on the ceiling...'. Oh, the joy and laughter!

Yet today, I sing the same song with the memories of my siblings' laughter and jest, but the lyrics seem more appropriately relevant to the person I had (and still have) feelings for. Who would think the same song could bring different effects on a person?

Another opportunity to help

Having a child (no matter what number it may be!) is an experience any normal parent would be joyful for.  To watch a sleeping baby, to let it grasp your finger, to slowly pat its back waiting for the big burp, to cheer as it is able to turn, sit and finally walk are all the delights of child raising. Each milestone is applauded as it rewards you a sense of happiness only another parent can understand.  

Yet there are people who begin to get puzzled when their children (normally around the age of 2) show slow development and/or strange behaviours, compared to other children.  The most common disturbing symptoms of all are the lack of eye contact and the inability to socialize.  When friends, parents and relatives are consulted, they often brush it off as 'normal' and recommend giving it a little bit more time. Surely, a very healthy child who, in most cases, seem bright too, just has minor problems with socialising? Unfortunately, even GPs sometimes fail to recognise these slight symptoms and dismiss them as entirely normal. 

Not many parents therefore take the extra mile to read and do more research on the possibilities of their child's strange or peculiar behaviour.  Call it parental instinct, but some do find the issue intriguing and insist that they get to the bottom of the matter.  That was how Ezlika felt when her second child, Imaan, was still crawling when children of his age had begun to walk.  Imaan finally walked at 18 months.  After a series of check-ups he was later diagnosed as autistic.

Ezlika and Adam are both PhD students at the University of Warwick.  Being academicians, they have researched the topic of autism and are trying their best to help their son.  Their thorough research has also brought them to the discovery of the Son-Rise programme which is perhaps the only programme which believes that autism can be cured!


I know that there are so many opinions out there.  In fact, some condone attempts to 'cure' autism as they believe that the act is often against the child's will and nature.  However, a parent should not be discouraged to believe that his/her child can develop and be as independent as any other individual.   With proper techniques, why not? I am fascinated at their approach and am merely sharing this piece of information for parents who may be looking for something for their autistic child.

Four months into the programme, Imaan (4) has developed his vocabulary from merely nothing to 100+.  He can now utter several complete sentences.  However, the programme which requires a lot of one-to-one tutoring and facilitating is rather expensive (click here for detailed costs).  One way of dealing with this is by employing volunteers who will be trained by Adam and Ezlika to help facilitate Imaan.  You can visit their blog here and watch the video sessions with one of  Imaan's facilitators.  In other words, it is vital that funds need to be raised.  That is why Ezlika's sister, Ezura (Eju) is running a marathon in Wimbledon this Sunday (17th October 2010).  I have just been informed how much Eju has raised so far and I felt an anchor weighing my heart down.  

Last Wednesday, in less than 24 hours, friends managed to gather unwanted things and set up a stall at the university, to raise for the Help Imaan to talk project.  £285.87 were raised! Thank you to charismatic Hayati Ismail and husband, Faizam who initiated the drive.  Now, that amount cannot be compared to the amount Eju has raised; it is less than half of the amount raised by Hayati!  

I am therefore trying my best, as a friend, Muslim and human being, to spread out the word to friends and readers of my blog.  Let's Help Imaan to Talk.  If you recall, some time ago, I wrote about Adam's research on blogging and pleaded for help here (Adam is Imaan's father).  Adam came back to me saying that most of his respondents came from my blog and thus, I began to realise the power of the blogosphere and how kind my blog friends are.  

Let's do it again.  Details of Eju's marathons are as follows, but if you want to donate, you'd have to click here.

1) Wimbledon Audi 10K

Event Date: Sunday 17th Oct 2010, 9:00am
Location: Wimbledon Rugby Club, Beverley Meads, Barham Road, Copse Hill, Wimbledon, SW20 0ET
Race Details: 10km

2) The 10k Mo Run

Event Date : Sat, 13th Nov, 2010, 10:00am
Location : Greenwich Park, London
Race Details: 10km
Race website: http://www.thefixevents.com/content/movember-10k-run-greenwich-park/


Lastly, I extend my appreciation to all of you in advance.  May Allah reward you with an abundance of wealth today and in the hereafter...

Autumn

Autumn Song by Katherine Mansfield

Now's the time when children's noses
All become as red as roses
And the colour of their faces
Makes me think of orchard places
Where the juicy apples grow,
And tomatoes in a row.

And to-day the hardened sinner
Never could be late for dinner,
But will jump up to the table
Just as soon as he is able,
Ask for three times hot roast mutton--
Oh! the shocking little glutton.

Come then, find your ball and racket,
Pop into your winter jacket,
With the lovely bear-skin lining.
While the sun is brightly shining,
Let us run and play together
And just love the autumn weather. 

********************************************

The days are getting shorter, the temperature is getting lower.  Praise the Almighty for the occasional sunny days we get, in between the odd foggy and rainy days.

Ironically, the golden foliage haphazardly splashes hope into my soul as the different shades remind me of the different phases, places and people of my life...

17th Syawal it is

3 years already.

At times, it feels like it's been sooooo long. The days I wake up and struggle and fight. The tears, the sorrow, the troubles and tests have been like a dagger in the heart.

At other moments, it's still so surreal - was it yesterday? Has it all passed? Has it been that long? O, remember those days?

I am neither here nor there. Neither this nor that.

Some misunderstand my expressions but I care not what they think for I live my life the way I do. The way He sets it to. Within my limitations, I will carry on living one day at a time.

Since P. Ramlee used to be his favourite, I'm putting this song up with a disclamer: ku tidak mencari ganti!