Thursday, June 05, 2008

Heading home...

In less than 24 hours, I had already booked 5 return tickets. Everything's moving so fast, I can hardly breathe. I have gone around meeting, calling and getting in touch with so many people, either to get approval and help with my decision to head home (with dates, ticket price, etc), or just merely to share the news. Alhamdulillah, these people have made me feel not so lonely and not so helpless, although words can't really describe how I feel.

All limbs are weak, and the heart is throbbing hard. It's so painful. I'm going through the same sentiments I went through eight months ago - when the news was made known. The free-flowing tears never seem to dry out and it's so difficult to hold them back when talking to people. And it's so embarrassing. I hate it when I can't control my emotions.

Still, I've made a list of things to be done before I leave and once back home. I'm horrible at being half. I've even asked the kids to keep their own lists in their journals: things to do and get, food to eat, people to meet and places to go. I've only confirmed it today, and already they've named Wet World, KLCC, Midvalley Mega Mall and Malacca as places to go to! (Malacca simply because their friends here are soon going home for good and they'll be heading for Malacca). Princess recalls the fresh donuts from the van in front of Giant Kelana Jaya and has requested for those (Hmm.. I wonder if it still exists!). She even remembers our ritual Sunday trips; out nasi lemak-hunting - and amongst our favourite is Nasi Lemak Lido in Klang, where there's an Uncle Botak (bald). This, however, I'm not so sure I'd want to go back to.

In fact, the thought of going back home - being where I was last with someone who is no longer here - is more than daunting. It is heart-wrenching and nerve-wrecking. I don't want to go through that. I don't want to go home just yet. I don't want to be reminded of the wonderful days of yesterday. I don't want to go back and feel him, yet not have him physically around. But I have to do this. Perhaps a little sooner than expected, but come what may, the day will still arrive. And now, my sister needs me to be by her side. I need to be by her side too. I need to tell her It's alright, so that I remind myself too, that it really is alright. Therefore, I have to wipe these tears off and just step into it.

I am going home.

15 comments:

kc said...

so sorry to hear about your sister. stay strong and take care as always...she needs u desperately.

u're coming back for good? have a safe trip, D. may Allah bless yr chosen path

Raden Galoh said...

Salam darling sis...

Have a safe trip home. Hang in there strong...everyone at home needs your strength to help them brace through it and pull through...

My du'as for you and your family. What's written can't be erased, it's has come with it a lot of of hikmahs. Time will reveal...

If you can spare your time, please drop by at the amcorp mall ya...call me at016-213 8290, we surely need to catch up, sis!

Take care and muaaahhhs...

A.Z. Haida said...

kak d,

someone we both know once told me,
"In order to find new oceans
you must have the courage
to lose sight of the shore..."

have a safe trip,
salam for ur sis
and our doa is with u, ur sis, and ur family.

*hugs*

Kak Teh said...

D, my prayers go with you. I know my words will never be enough to help you through but it is always good to talk. Will speak again before you go. Take care.

halwafy said...

Salam D,

Innalillah. I doakan you and your family will be strong in the coming weeks ni..

I understand the feeling that you don't want to go home just yet - I experienced that when my dad passed away while I was in the UK 13 years ago - I didn't want to go home too and when I did, I just didn't want to talk about his absence openly and avoided talking about him...the result is, somehow the sadness stayed longer inside me, bottled up and only let out slowly and in parts - I mourned my dad for along time.

But InshaAllah your kids will cheer u up D..with that long list of theirs...you're gonna be fine (amin)

Take care - have a good holiday, yes?

Ajzie said...

Salam.. selamat kembali ke Msia.. Semoga segalanya dipermudahkan for you and your family.

Have a safe trip home

Hugs
Ajzie

F Manchester said...

D, Have a safe journey and hope its a healing one for all of you. Our prayers to your sister and her family.

If you ever drop by to Bluewonder's house- please do make a point to see my sister K.Teh too. You have a lot in common- not just situation but personality too.

Kirim salam to all in M'sia.

Anonymous said...

Dearest D,

The Prophet Muhammad said, “Any word of wisdom is the stray of the believer, who has the better right to it wherever it may be found.”

Ibn ‘Abbas asked, “Shall I show you a woman destined for Paradise?” ‘Ata’ responded, “Certainly.” Ibn ‘Abbas said, “This African woman came to the Prophet and said, ‘I am an epileptic. When I am afflicted with a seizure, my clothing sometimes comes loose, and I am exposed. Please pray for me.’ He responded , ‘If you choose, you can patiently endure this affliction, and you will have Paradise, and if you choose I will pray to God for your cure.’ She said, ‘I will patiently persevere.’ She continued, ‘But my clothing comes loose during the seizures; pray to God that I not expose myself.’ So he prayed for her thus.”
–Ibn Majah

Have a safe and blessed journey home.

D said...

kc,
yes, I have to stay strong, Allah will keep us strong, InsyaAllah..

going home for good? Did I give you guys that impression? Hopefully it's just for a break, InsyaAllah.

raden galoh,
thank you dear. coming from you, I know it's so real. InsyaAllah, will get in touch. I'm too far away from Amcorp Mall - moving around will depend on the schedule of my dad (will need to borrow his car!).

azra,
thank you for those inspiring words - will keep that in mind. And thank you too for the du'as: I seriously can do with a little bit of help!

kak teh,
yes... I always find myself feeling better after talking to you. thanks.

Halwafy,
Yes, I too realise that I have to face this (going back to our love nest and all) - especially as a closure, in a way. It doesn't mean closing doors to anymore memories or sadness, but just to really feel it and then hold on to it in a positive way. I'll break, I know, but InsyaAllah I'll be better: stronger and tougher (I hope!).

ajzie,
thank you dear. Emotions ni bercampur-baur - sadness, excitement, anxiety, nervous, happiness, etc... Walau apa pun, the best is always etched for us!

f Manchester,
InsyaAllah... If I could, I sooo want to meet everyone!!! serious! but most definitely, WILL meet up with Bluewonder. Thanks for your prayers, dear.

anon,
thank you for sharing that story. Yes, it's stories with good morals like this keep us going.

Umi Kalthum Ngah said...

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah,

Selamat kembali ke Malaysia.

Ucapan ini diiringi dengan doa ikhlas jauh di lubuk hati...

Moga Allah mempermudahkan segala urusan...dan membuka jalan bagi menyembuhkan kakak Puan...Amin Ya Rabbul Alamin..

Wasalam...

jooli said...

D, do come and visit when you are back.

NJ said...

Dear D, my prayers are with you and your family.

*Hugs

sYaNa said...

D

so sorry to read about your sister. my heart goes out to you & your sister, really.

have a safe trip. being by your sister's side will give her strength and courage.

always seek guidance and help from HIM.

take care.

iema76 said...

Salam Kak D,

Have a safe trip home n take care... Kalau makan donut kt depan Giant tu jgn lupa org kat sini..(ader lagi donut tu the last time I went back in Aug 2007)

shida sahlan said...

sayang sis,

i ni hati keras tau, so, kalau dapat bergenang air mata pun kiranya, dah cukup, to tell u how much i feel for u right now.

i totally understand just as much as ur sis needs u to be with her, u need to be with her too...and we know how Allah works in a miracolous way..so i am sure this is a gift from Him as part of your healing process.and yes, i wd say, yah i need to heal, but You don't have to get my isster invloved in it!tapi yelah.. He knows best, and hati kecik kita sendiri terpaksa akui, he's prepared us well for this. cuma kita hanya hamba, manusia.. sentiasa anxious pada the unknown future..i suppose itulah ujian pada penyerahan, submission, tawakal kita...

i dont envy ur position, to me, u r still my manja lil sis..still amazes me what a superwoman u are now..alhamdulillah and insyaAllah