Thursday, November 29, 2007

making small steps

Yesterday was the first day I went back to work after 30 days of leave. It was a decision I had to make; to keep me out of my misery, and to also feel the ground under my feet. I had thought that my first day would not be too bad. I had thought that nothing could be worse than being cooped up at home, haunted by memories of laughter and pain. But, I had definitely thought wrong.

The morning started off very early, with preparations for work, followed by a hearty breakfast of murtabak telur and packed lunches of sarnies for the children. Each child cooperated well, worth the pep-talk the night before. I was adamant about getting everything right. Anxiety and stress were the last things on the list - I had to ensure that my head was clear and that everyone left the house with a smile sketched on their faces.

But the 8-minute drive to work turned to be a torturous stretch for me. I wasn't caught in a traffic jam, but I found myself caught in a sea of emotions. Suddenly, everything came back to me. I remember driving down the same route two months ago, when I was forced to go to work when everything else around me was collapsing. I often filled the time driving alone to reflect on the happenings around me. And, at that time, the most devastating news of all was about the only thing worth reflecting on.

So, yesterday I was going back to work surrounded by a totally different stigma, but enveloped in a turmoil of emotions that were undoubtedly familiar. Who was I trying to kid, by acting so strong, and confidently trying to pick up the pieces where I had left them; continuing the journey I had almost abandoned? Who said that all was going to be easy, with guidance from the Almighty? Who dared say that the tears of yesterday will make you stronger tomorrow? No one. I was the only one who fed those ideas into my mind.

It's not easy to brave through the days even though everyone knows that life should definitely move on, regardless what. I have lost the only person who truly appreciated and loved me to no end. He was my confidant, my source of inspiration. Or, in my old buddy's words (Bluewonder), my driving force.

Hence, here I am, trying - ever so cautiously - to make small steps into the world I used to venture with a man who was my everything.

19 comments:

rara_avis said...

hugs from me, my thoughts are often with you in these challenging times.

sYaNa said...

Dearest D :o)

I can only imagine how it is to be in your shoes but i know this for sure, that you are a strong woman. I read & sense your strength through your entries and i (& everyone else who reads your blog) are in awe of you.

I am not here to tell you what to do for i do not know any better but, i offer you my prayers.

I pray that Allah gives you & your family guidance & patience in facing your greatest challenge.

Take care, D.

ajzie said...

Harap D terus tabah... Saya mendoakan kan agar segala urusan D dan anak2 di permudahkan. Insyallah.

Darling said...

selama ni i tak nak komen coz everytime i try taip ayat utk u, akan ada rasa sebak. maybe im 2 emotional. but semua ni mengingatkan i kat my late father..

i tak ada kata2 yang sesuai utk u but i know u r strong enuff. plus i dpt semangat dengan membaca n3 u. (i still refuse nak pergi jumpa psikiatrik hehehe)

lady pot pet said...

No words can mend the emotions that you are going through. Only prayers from all of us and you to the Almighty that can help you to eventually take bigger steps. May Allah SWT guide you during this difficult and challenging time.

Jazakallah....

HELWA LANCASTER said...

Assalamualaikum wbt,
Dear sister,

Cry if you feel you need it. There is no need to be ashamed of. We are just human full of flaws. But do not let the emotion controlled and weaken you. But sister remember and I know you do:
Allah suffices for us and He is the best Disposer of affairs [Al Imran 173]

ADIEJIN said...

Allah love u sis...u take care..

wkb said...

D darling,

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.

Kak Elle said...

I am loss for words but what you are doing now is a step further you are taking and soon things will be back to routine.Life goes on....

take care and a big *hug* from me.

Restless said...

Sabar, Kak D.

I'm sure you can nail this one (another 4/4.hint! hint!)

It will pass...

maklang said...

take care D...semoga kembali ceria...remember that Allah is always with you and so are we..

maklang said...

take care D...semoga kembali ceria...remember that Allah is always with you and so are we..

elara said...

Dear D,

Redha with whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best you have to give because courage can't see around corners but goes around them anyway.

"The essence of being human is being able to direct your own life" - Stephen R. Covey

cikMilah said...

D,
Kekuatan diri umpama air lautan, ada pasang surutnya. Bersedihlah sikit, tapi usah terus di bawa perasaan. You pause, step backward now to make further step stronger.
Salam dan doa,
cikMilah

pakpayne said...

D........and no one is saying that tears have to stop.

idham

rozie said...

Words are hard...My heart & dua's goes to you sis.. with each coming day insyállah u will be more able to go thru life without your beloved.The legacies he left you with are precious rememberance of him. May Allah swt be with you always every step of the way..

Anonymous said...

Life is not easy as we think. Otherwise we all going to haven. There no need to be hell. And we only human..not angel. Eventhough we try to pretend like one. We never be one. It's more harder when we pretend. So, just be your self. Cry if you need to cry. Sream if you need to scream. Because if you don't, than it's something wrong. Don't pretend. It's not worth his life. Just face thing and think through. That way..you find it hard way but nie feeling.

Nadia said...

May Allah give you strength and patience. Ameen.

hugs

anamiraa said...

KakD,
Is not going to be easy. But you will pass through it. You WILL. You WILL. No doubt about it. Semoga doa kecil saya akan sampai untuk membantu kakD.

Take gud care sis. I can never imagine what you are going through right now. I can only pray.