making small steps

Yesterday was the first day I went back to work after 30 days of leave. It was a decision I had to make; to keep me out of my misery, and to also feel the ground under my feet. I had thought that my first day would not be too bad. I had thought that nothing could be worse than being cooped up at home, haunted by memories of laughter and pain. But, I had definitely thought wrong. The morning started off very early, with preparations for work, followed by a hearty breakfast of murtabak telur and packed lunches of sarnies for the children. Each child cooperated well, worth the pep-talk the night before. I was adamant about getting everything right. Anxiety and stress were the last things on the list - I had to ensure that my head was clear and that everyone left the house with a smile sketched on their faces. But the 8-minute drive to work turned to be a torturous stretch for me. I wasn't caught in a traffic jam, but I found myself caught in a sea of emotions. Suddenly, everything came back to me. I remember driving down the same route two months ago, when I was forced to go to work when everything else around me was collapsing. I often filled the time driving alone to reflect on the happenings around me. And, at that time, the most devastating news of all was about the only thing worth reflecting on. So, yesterday I was going back to work surrounded by a totally different stigma, but enveloped in a turmoil of emotions that were undoubtedly familiar. Who was I trying to kid, by acting so strong, and confidently trying to pick up the pieces where I had left them; continuing the journey I had almost abandoned? Who said that all was going to be easy, with guidance from the Almighty? Who dared say that the tears of yesterday will make you stronger tomorrow? No one. I was the only one who fed those ideas into my mind. It's not easy to brave through the days even though everyone knows that life should definitely move on, regardless what. I have lost the only person who truly appreciated and loved me to no end. He was my confidant, my source of inspiration. Or, in my old buddy's words (Bluewonder), my driving force. Hence, here I am, trying - ever so cautiously - to make small steps into the world I used to venture with a man who was my everything.